Lately, I find myself returning to my faith more and more and giving of myself to those around me. It may be as simple as sitting with someone who is surrounded by the darkness of depression and suicidal ideation. Being able to hold out hope that after dealing with 30 years of my own depression and suicidal ideation that it could actually come to a stop one day by the grace of God (and a lot of therapy.) I may not have much in this life but if something I say or write diminishes someone else’s pain, I feel my life has purpose even the things I have suffered. This was not an easy week. I took a time out from people around me and unplugged for a day. I just needed to detox from the impact of the world around me and recharge my batteries. Giving to others in a full-time position is rewarding but draining at times and I think I have worked tremendously hard at improving my self care and keep work in balance better than before. Today I simply took a few minutes on my lunch hour to ask someone who I knew was struggling with depression how they were and didn’t expect to hear some fluffy bs answer. I knew she was feeling the darkness around her. But I was at least willing to enter it and let her know she was okay. Someone did that for me once too. It is simply paying it forward to which I have been given. Gratitude at its best. A part of the 12 steps program and more. That’s why it works. Have a good night. -Wendy 🌼☔🌞
Trigger warning: grief and content related to suicide past suicide attempt.
The overnight hours tonight are anniversary dates. I am that person with the photographic memory especially with dates and numbers. If something important happened on it I will remember the date until I am ready to let it go. Tonight is a double whammy: it was the night I tried to stop living and that my mom died five years ago.
I miss my mom terribly but she had been sick for a long time before she died in Hospice. While watching her go was hard and difficult especially as I watched over my nieces and nephews, I knew she would be at peace.
I’m more at peace with myself than I thought possible as I sit here reflecting tonight. I’m not so sure when that came about because I would say it is more recent. I somehow have grieved what I wanted from family and began to let it go. Grieving things I never really had but never was willing to let go of the hope for in my life. Some how my baggage had lightened and continuing on with life wasn’t a war like it been for years with a grieving and broken 💔 heart. The meds had been changed but my thinking was changed as well. The suicidal thoughts and impulses were now nearly extinct and replaced by other energies. How did I start this road? By being challenged to spend 15 minutes a day doing something that brought me joy! Whether piano, or art, or journalling or reading or whatever your joy thing is a mere 15 minutes will fly by. If you’re severely down try 5 minutes… reconnect with that feeling of joy in way that makes you smile, laugh, etc. again. Remember each long journey begins with one step. Peace be with you. 💜☔🌌Wendy
I have been going through an intense job search the last few months. I was finally offered a position this past week contingent on passing a background check which didn’t allow for errors without dismissal from the the job. Sometimes I have a hard time with seeing my anxiety present itself. But on weeks like these where I am putting myself out there employment wise to make a major change, it rears it’s ugly head. I’m confident that most people have heard of the flight or fight model. But do you know that model is now called “fight, flight, fréeze or fawn model?” I tend to fall in the freeze category since I was little. An example of this was it took me three days to open my job offer email because I was afraid that the bottom was going to fall out because good/great things like this don’t happen to me.
I realized this week, how much change scares me. Don’t get me wrong! I am so very excited to be starting this position. It is like a dream job. I just have issues with change due to trauma suffered in childhood. I stayed safe most of the time in an environment by learning what to do by watching and emulating the behaviors of others. When starting at a new job where I know no one, that is harder to do. Even more difficult, my team is working from home for now and using zoom to communicate throughout the workday. My anxiety level keeps going up and up. But after 25 years + of mental health work experience I need to just remind myself I am good at what I do and why I was hired.
Does change make you anxious? How do you handle it? Do you rely solely on anxiety meds to relieve your anxiety or do you use other techniques like mindfulness as well? I’d love to hear what helps. Wendy🎄
I hope to enter into a program that has both a Medical social worker and School Social worker area of study next fall. I think these are the two areas in which I have the most experience and interest.
So my time has been spent improving my typing skills, my overall computer and medical terminology skills, reading, loving Al who appears to be getting old suddenly as he approached 10 years old this Spring. And trying to keep busy in general. I miss attending DBSA group meetings for the first time in 16 years. I miss the people and the support. I will keep you posted as my job start date approaches and how that transition goes.
I will be making changes myself as I help others attempt to change as well.
It is all about living healthy and pursuing recovery for the best quality of life possible. Wishing you all the best. 🐢🎹🧡Wendy
My brain has been wired all night. I had a bad allergic reaction to something and my mouth and throat swelled badly. I tried to treat it at home with Benadryl but when the Benadryl wore off my mouth and throat would swell back up again so I ended up at the hospital after I started getting light headed as well. While in the emergency department, they decided to give me steroids. I don’t know about anyone else prone to bipolar disorder but I can only handle a small amount of steroids without becoming hypomanic to manic. I was up all night working on things. I’m still pretty wired. We had to leave my car at the hospital and I’m ready to walk there and get it. I usually don’t get this much steroids. I got approximately 140 to 150mg of Salumedrol last night at the ED while when I get my IVIG treatment once every 4 weeks I only get 40 to 50 mg. Plus the doctor wants me to take 40mg a day for 5 days. I guess I won’t get much sleep thru Sunday. I have a PRN med for mania but I don’t like to take it very often. It kicks my butt. I feel like it’s time to take Al on a walk to get my car because I am bursting with energy. Al (my dog) hopefully is up to it. I’ll write more later because I am supposed to take Benadryl and this Prednisone together today. That sounds like a horrible mixed state to me. I hate feeling agitated on steroids. Benadryl will make me drowsy. Sounds cruddy to me. Peace out everybody. ☮️ Wendy