The Path is Narrow

Show me the way

Lately, I find myself returning to my faith more and more and giving of myself to those around me. It may be as simple as sitting with someone who is surrounded by the darkness of depression and suicidal ideation. Being able to hold out hope that after dealing with 30 years of my own depression and suicidal ideation that it could actually come to a stop one day by the grace of God (and a lot of therapy.) I may not have much in this life but if something I say or write diminishes someone else’s pain, I feel my life has purpose even the things I have suffered. This was not an easy week. I took a time out from people around me and unplugged for a day. I just needed to detox from the impact of the world around me and recharge my batteries. Giving to others in a full-time position is rewarding but draining at times and I think I have worked tremendously hard at improving my self care and keep work in balance better than before. Today I simply took a few minutes on my lunch hour to ask someone who I knew was struggling with depression how they were and didn’t expect to hear some fluffy bs answer. I knew she was feeling the darkness around her. But I was at least willing to enter it and let her know she was okay. Someone did that for me once too. It is simply paying it forward to which I have been given. Gratitude at its best. A part of the 12 steps program and more. That’s why it works. Have a good night. -Wendy 🌼☔🌞

Judged!

I had the opportunity to have a friend judge me this week based on her perception of my mental health without taking her own into account. We happen to be long term friends who work in the same field. Interestingly, I am choosing to let go of the relationship in order to maintain my recovery. I am a loyal friend but today I realized that not only does this friend appear to feel above her relationship with me but I have been the one to keep the relationship going by reaching out to her and making contact. I felt put down intellectually and emotionally by her response to something I had said that was genuine and asking for a response. She couldn’t find it in herself or our friendship to respond in earnest. It also made me feel put down professionally something she’s never done in all our years of friendship. Sigh.

I decided to cut ties for my recovery’s sake. I just returned to work full-time, am still recovering from Covid, and don’t want to get dragged down by other’s opinions of me when I have worked so hard to put my life back the last two years. If I let this drag me down, in a way their right and I have already lost the battle.

I struggle terribly with what others think of me but I have had to overcóme so much the last three years, I’m not willing to let anyone take that ground away again without some serious struggle to review my strengths and weaknesses and remind myself how far I have come. Being a loyal friend is a character trait I value. But what happens when you evaluate a relationship and see you’re the only one being loyal? I think it is time to honor your other friendships and those who are loyal in return. Peace ☮️🌼🕊️ everyone.

A Medical Day…

It’s 5:45 a.m. and I feel tired before this day has begun. That is the side effect of having pneumonia. Today is a full day…work, a Covid-19 test even though we know how it will turn out, more work, and then a new treatment to build back up some of my IgG levels through SubQ treatment. I am praying that the new medicine does not make me sick but the EPI-pen is on duty if it does and the hospital 🏥 is nearby. Please make me well! And don’t let me faint today. (Giving myself shots or starting the process of learning to.) Have a great day everyone. Enjoy the 🌞. ☮️ To you. Wendy.

On the more morbid side…

Trigger warning: grief and content related to suicide past suicide attempt.

The overnight hours tonight are anniversary dates. I am that person with the photographic memory especially with dates and numbers. If something important happened on it I will remember the date until I am ready to let it go. Tonight is a double whammy:  it was the night I tried to stop living and that my mom died five years ago. 

I miss my mom terribly but she had been sick for a long time before she died in Hospice. While watching her go was hard and difficult especially as I watched over my nieces and nephews, I knew she would be at peace.

I’m more at peace with myself than I thought possible as I sit here reflecting tonight. I’m not so sure when that came about because I would say it is more recent. I somehow have grieved what I wanted from family and began to let it go. Grieving things I never really had but never was willing to let go of the hope for in my life. Some how my baggage had lightened and continuing on with life wasn’t a war like it been for years with a grieving and broken 💔 heart. The meds had been changed but my thinking was changed as well. The suicidal thoughts and impulses were now nearly extinct and replaced by other energies. How did I start this road? By being challenged to spend 15 minutes a day doing something that brought me joy! Whether piano, or art, or journalling or reading or whatever your joy thing is a mere 15 minutes will fly by. If you’re severely down try 5 minutes… reconnect with that feeling of joy in way that makes you smile, laugh, etc. again. Remember each long journey begins with one step. Peace be with you. 💜☔🌌Wendy

Fight, flight, freeze or fawn.

I have been going through an intense job search the last few months. I was finally offered a position this past week contingent on passing a background check which didn’t allow for errors without dismissal from the the job. Sometimes I have a hard time with seeing my anxiety present itself. But on weeks like these where I am putting myself out there employment wise to make a major change, it rears it’s ugly head. I’m confident that most people have heard of the flight or fight model. But do you know that model is now called “fight, flight, fréeze or fawn model?” I tend to fall in the freeze category since I was little. An example of this was it took me three days to open my job offer email because I was afraid that the bottom was going to fall out because good/great things like this don’t happen to me.

I realized this week, how much change scares me. Don’t get me wrong! I am so very excited to be starting this position. It is like a dream job. I just have issues with change due to trauma suffered in childhood. I stayed safe most of the time in an environment by learning what to do by watching and emulating the behaviors of others. When starting at a new job where I know no one, that is harder to do. Even more difficult, my team is working from home for now and using zoom to communicate throughout the workday. My anxiety level keeps going up and up. But after 25 years + of mental health work experience I need to just remind myself I am good at what I do and why I was hired.

Does change make you anxious? How do you handle it? Do you rely solely on anxiety meds to relieve your anxiety or do you use other techniques like mindfulness as well? I’d love to hear what helps. Wendy🎄