Swedish proverb 2.2

When struggling with depression, I find my mind does not remember details or events as well as well as it usuall does.

That being said, I get stressed like the last couple of weeks, it becomes harder and harder to remember everything I should be keeping track of. Despite that I am grateful to be forgetful right now verses flooded with bad memories from PTSD.

Wendy

Psychiatrist visit

Went to the psychiatrist this afternoon. Talked about everything that has been going on. Discussed options for where to go from here. After much discussion, we decided on medication changes to see if it will eleviate the intrusive thoughts and depression. The psychiatrist added a med to help with OCD as well help with stabilizing my mood. I am pretty anxious about trying a new med med right now but it is better than being in the hospital.

I apologise to everyone for blurting out my feelings the last few days but I needed an outlet to decompress before I made a stupid decision. I have not talked to people much about my feelings with people around me because I worry about feeling like a burden and worrying others feels awful and anxiety invoking. It is just easier to keep everything bottled up inside. Thank you for bearing with me as I have been in crisis the last few days. I promise I will be okay eventually and return to my normal self sooner or later.

Wendy

Pieces

Trigger warning: suicidal content.

My life feels like it is in pieces much like a complicated puzzle needing to be put together. I spoke with my this morning who recommended going on leave from work due being so messed up since the steroids we’re used to treat my upper respiratory issues at such a high dose without titrating off at the end. I, also, have had a bunch of PTSD triggers at work and couldn’t escape the crises going on with my case load. I don’t am out of FMLA leave though and afraid that if I take any time off I will lose my job and health insurance which means no coverage for meds, etc. I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. It feels impossible to make a healthy choice at this time due to this hanging over my head. I am not sure what restrictions the psychiatrist will put me on this afternoon. My therapist was contacting her to tell her what kind of space I have been in. I am now worried about going to the appointment.

Most of the time I just get in what I call Funk and Wagmall’s (if you don’t know what this is you are a young ‘un) mood where I have stinking thinking about death and dying. I don’t act on these feelings usually but I have in the past with a serious suicide attempt that almost cost me my life and I spent days in the ICU on a ventilator so some people in my life get very anxious when I start to think or talk about suicidal thoughts. Most of the time I don’t tell anyone about it because I don’t want to deal with overreacting actions of others when what I really need is for people to listen or be with me. So often I am alone in those feelings because of my line of work and it not being okay ever to talk about. In the mental health profession, we tend to eat our own when it comes to mental health issues. The stigma is greater within than the general public I think. So I am trying to do what I can to stay safe while having intrusive thoughts going on every day throughout the day. I am so tired physically. I have someone holding my meds. I am trying to do what I can to take care of myself. It isn’t enough right now though to escape the stinking thinking. I have been trying to spend time reading quotes on hope and verses that are uplifting. Nothing helps shake the cloud of darkness around me. I feel toxic to people who are around. I don’t feel like I have any positive impact on those around me. I know on some level I have positive qualities but I can’t see them right now. I cannot see color, hear music, etc. Everything is dark and lacking oxygen to breathe with. I feel trapped between two choices and I am going to hurt someone with either one of those choices. God help me. Please pray for those around me. I feel like a total burden to them and hate causing them pain.

House of cards

Barely making it. Life is like the fragile balance of a house of cards right now. Everything I try seems so insufficient to make an impact to improve things. I feel like I’m drowning and in over my head and cannot explain this to the people around me. This feels worse than nearly all of my other depressive episodes. I don’t know if it is because I feel more helpless to fix things, am sicker physically and lacking energy, or feeling trapped between choices that no one will be content with.

I see the psychiatrist this afternoon. I have worked with her for the last thirteen years now so she knows me pretty well. I hope she sheds some insight into the situation and helps me to have some hope that this will change somehow through a med change, etc. Going to the hospital is not an option for me to do at this time.

I feel so tired and just want to sleep right now. My partner doesn’t want to leave me alone. I have to go to work for a while and I am not sure how to handle it. I guess I need a dose of polished and shined and everything is fine. Though I don’t think I can do it today. I keep telling myself to tie a knot in the rope and hang on but my hands are slipping and I see the abyss below. People say they understand but I don’t know if you can truly enter another’s pain totally. It feels so alone.

Pressure

I feel like every side of me is pushing in with expectations. Add on top my own needs and beliefs about how I should be performing at work, at home, in my relationships, etc., and I am feeling like a pressure cooker on high heat. There is only so much pressure one can take before exploding or imploding every where. The question arises on how to let go of all of the expectations and pressure and not fall totally apart especially when others are depending upon you daily. Do I just surrender myself to all that is going on and ask for help or keep trying to pull myself up by my bootstraps?

Strengths based recovery.

Sometimes when I struggle it helps me to go back to the begonning. In recovery that is identifying my strengths and listing them out in each area of my life so I am not weighed down by all the deficits I see in front of me that I feel like I am failing at. I have a sheet that I hand to a few close friends when depressed that let’s them identify what they think my strengths are and give positive feedback as well at a time that I tend to be suspicious and paranoid about what others are truly thinking about me. The sheet entails many areas. On my worst days I can return to their input and see positive qualities that they see in me when I struggle to see them in myself.

It is important to stay focused on your strengths during the recovery road. Otherwise your deficits will feel like heavy burdens. What become what we think we are..

I have many positive traits and characteristics but I haven’t been seeing them lately. I have been hyperfocided on the areas in which I feel like I am failing or somehow missing the mark.. I am no where’s near where I need to be yet but I now know where I need to start. Recovery is so important if you want to get your life back on track. I needore than unmanageability.

Befuddled and the big black dog.

For once I am at a loss of a post title and how to explain the space I am in. Emotionally, I find myself all over the place. I have been sad and angry and tearful. I feel like a hot mess and don’t know how much I stress I am truly handle yet and that scares me. I am fragile both physically and emotionally. I have tried to recuperate over the weekend but it is not an easy fix. It took 6-8 weeks to get into this space so thinking I could move past it in a couple of days was unrealistic thinking on my part.

I am trying to find out how to get back on my feet while meeting responsibilities and obligations. I worry that I won’t be able to. I have been struggling with intrusive thoughts and while there is no plan to at on those thoughts or feelings it feels like it is too close to the edge for comfort. I am scared of those thoughts and just keep on telling myself that I have an appointment with the psychiatrist on Tuesday afternoon. I am afraid to talk to other about my feelings and thoughts because I don’t want them to over react. Sigh…

I think this mixed state stuff is the birds. Five minutes at a time, etc., Is about all I can handle right now.