I started my new medication one week ago today. I have been fighting nausea every morning after I take it for a couple of hours. It is helping with the OCD and compulsive/intrusive thoughts regarding death but I actually have felt more depressed the last few days. I am not sure if it is because my thinking has cleared enough to allow me to think about other things that I have been avoiding. All I know is that it is scary and I am not sure if I am comfortable with the idea of continuing to feel this level of depression. My meds are being doled out a few days at a time and I don’t have access to them between times for safety reasons. Giving up control is never easy but sometimes necessary. I have been really quiet which makes people around me uneasy I think but talking is hard and makes me feel worse most of the time. The psychiatrist said I might not notice a change in my mood for up to four weeks. That feels like an eternity right now.
This is a hard post to write. My life was touched by the sexual abuse scandal in the Catholic Church this week. While my faith remains intact, the religious foundation of my youth has taken a fatal blow. The priest who was suspended from the priesthood for sexual abuse was at one time my therapist and at another time my co-worker. I feel many things and part of me is grateful that while I was in therapy, I did not discuss my trauma back ground – my gut told me that I shouldn’t and it wasn’t okay to do so. I usually am not good at following my intuition though it is usually spot on but I did and can’t imagine how much worse I would feel if I had divulged my story to him. Church and organized religion is such a difficult thing for me with many, many unhealed wounds. It’s going to be awhile before I can trust to rejoin a church again.
The new meds are starting to kick in and my thoughts have been less obsessive and no more active suicidal ideation. My mood seems like it is more dysthymic on a steady basis which has left me quieter than usual and making others around me more concerned. Treating the OCD symptoms has had the added benefit of reducing my overall anxiety level. I never really thought much about my OCD symptoms until I started my relationship with my partner this summer. I hadn’t really considered how much it was impacting my life and manifesting itself as other things such as anxiety and ADHD without the hyperactivity. I actually have felt more relaxed since starting the med to treat the OCD than I have in in a very, very long time. It comes with a small price though…the med is causing me to get pretty sick after I take it every morning for a few hours. This is a historic problem that I have had with this class of medications. I know it will eventually go away. If it continues to work and eventually lifts my mood as well l think that it will be worth it in the end.
When struggling with depression, I find my mind does not remember details or events as well as well as it usuall does.
That being said, I get stressed like the last couple of weeks, it becomes harder and harder to remember everything I should be keeping track of. Despite that I am grateful to be forgetful right now verses flooded with bad memories from PTSD.
Went to the psychiatrist this afternoon. Talked about everything that has been going on. Discussed options for where to go from here. After much discussion, we decided on medication changes to see if it will eleviate the intrusive thoughts and depression. The psychiatrist added a med to help with OCD as well help with stabilizing my mood. I am pretty anxious about trying a new med med right now but it is better than being in the hospital.
I apologise to everyone for blurting out my feelings the last few days but I needed an outlet to decompress before I made a stupid decision. I have not talked to people much about my feelings with people around me because I worry about feeling like a burden and worrying others feels awful and anxiety invoking. It is just easier to keep everything bottled up inside. Thank you for bearing with me as I have been in crisis the last few days. I promise I will be okay eventually and return to my normal self sooner or later.
Trigger warning: suicidal content.
My life feels like it is in pieces much like a complicated puzzle needing to be put together. I spoke with my this morning who recommended going on leave from work due being so messed up since the steroids we’re used to treat my upper respiratory issues at such a high dose without titrating off at the end. I, also, have had a bunch of PTSD triggers at work and couldn’t escape the crises going on with my case load. I don’t am out of FMLA leave though and afraid that if I take any time off I will lose my job and health insurance which means no coverage for meds, etc. I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. It feels impossible to make a healthy choice at this time due to this hanging over my head. I am not sure what restrictions the psychiatrist will put me on this afternoon. My therapist was contacting her to tell her what kind of space I have been in. I am now worried about going to the appointment.
Most of the time I just get in what I call Funk and Wagmall’s (if you don’t know what this is you are a young ‘un) mood where I have stinking thinking about death and dying. I don’t act on these feelings usually but I have in the past with a serious suicide attempt that almost cost me my life and I spent days in the ICU on a ventilator so some people in my life get very anxious when I start to think or talk about suicidal thoughts. Most of the time I don’t tell anyone about it because I don’t want to deal with overreacting actions of others when what I really need is for people to listen or be with me. So often I am alone in those feelings because of my line of work and it not being okay ever to talk about. In the mental health profession, we tend to eat our own when it comes to mental health issues. The stigma is greater within than the general public I think. So I am trying to do what I can to stay safe while having intrusive thoughts going on every day throughout the day. I am so tired physically. I have someone holding my meds. I am trying to do what I can to take care of myself. It isn’t enough right now though to escape the stinking thinking. I have been trying to spend time reading quotes on hope and verses that are uplifting. Nothing helps shake the cloud of darkness around me. I feel toxic to people who are around. I don’t feel like I have any positive impact on those around me. I know on some level I have positive qualities but I can’t see them right now. I cannot see color, hear music, etc. Everything is dark and lacking oxygen to breathe with. I feel trapped between two choices and I am going to hurt someone with either one of those choices. God help me. Please pray for those around me. I feel like a total burden to them and hate causing them pain.
Barely making it. Life is like the fragile balance of a house of cards right now. Everything I try seems so insufficient to make an impact to improve things. I feel like I’m drowning and in over my head and cannot explain this to the people around me. This feels worse than nearly all of my other depressive episodes. I don’t know if it is because I feel more helpless to fix things, am sicker physically and lacking energy, or feeling trapped between choices that no one will be content with.
I see the psychiatrist this afternoon. I have worked with her for the last thirteen years now so she knows me pretty well. I hope she sheds some insight into the situation and helps me to have some hope that this will change somehow through a med change, etc. Going to the hospital is not an option for me to do at this time.
I feel so tired and just want to sleep right now. My partner doesn’t want to leave me alone. I have to go to work for a while and I am not sure how to handle it. I guess I need a dose of polished and shined and everything is fine. Though I don’t think I can do it today. I keep telling myself to tie a knot in the rope and hang on but my hands are slipping and I see the abyss below. People say they understand but I don’t know if you can truly enter another’s pain totally. It feels so alone.