Just thought I’d take a second to let you know how I was doing after yesterday’s fall. Doctors believe that I fell because my potassium level was low. This fall was a bad one in which I fell from the top step as I was entering my house from the deck. I fell off the top step on to the house and onto the grill. I have many scrapes and bruise but luckily I didn’t break anything or get a concussion. I did bruise the bone on my ankle and sprain it. So air splint for me along with a great pair of crutches.
My stinking thinking has met a can of air freshener. My thinking is much less negative today than yesterday. Just thinking about my recovery tool kit turned things around for me.
🙃🌼🐢Thinking of you all.
Today is a day that one thing (a fall) triggered a whole series of events. The physical complications of my fall involved a trip to the ER. The mental and emotional ones have left me struggling within my thoughts and questioning myself. I found myself beating up on myself for everything I could have to differently. Why is it that one negative event sets us on a trail of stinking thinking?
I used to be entrenched in negative thinking. It took a few years and a concentrated effort to turn my thinking around. Every so often I find myself returning to stinking thinking when certain events occur. I am battling a hard fight right now in this area as I have encountered the lose of my vision (though I did hear the ulcer is healed over and my eye is healing faster than the doctors predicted), the loss of my job, and other challenges. It is easy to fall back into the trap of negative self talk. It is a conscious choice to let it go every day and throughout the day. I use positive affirmations and quotes and song and a gratitude journal to refocus on the positive. Having the right tools in my tool kit before I need them helps. Do you have a recovery tool kit? What would you include in yours? Let me hear your thoughts on this idea. Some things in mine include photos of things I’ve accomplished..college graduation, completing a rope course, making it up a rock climbing wall, etc. Words of encouragement from others as well as thank you’s. Photos of the people I love and care about. I, also, put in stress relievers such art supplies, koosh balls, kaleidoscopes, and piano music. I keep mine in a box so they are in one central spot. It sometimes saved a difficult day and turns it into a positive one.
Will share more soon. Awaiting x-ray and test results while I write.
Just a quick update on my eye. I can finally see through the cornea ulcer on my left eye well enough to see some things. I have been to the ER six times and seen the eye doctor every day for the last two weeks. This week included a trip to Ann Arbor and University of Michigan to see a specialist regarding the ulcer left on my eye by the infectión I got around 7/4/19. It has impacted my overall health after the loss of sight in one eye for so long. I am overjoyed with gratitude that my sight is slowly returning. To say I have done fine through this process would be a lie. I crashed after my visit to University of Michigan and have lost an a considerable amount of weight by lack of appetite. It is also hard and frustrating to lose your sight so quickly. I find myself losing time and disengaging from others in general especially as the pain increases. After days of putting eye drops for various treatment needs around the clock in my eye, I just want to snooze as long as possible. I am in wonder at the complexity and working of our eyes though. It is amazing all they do. I am grateful for the help that I haved around me since the the 2nd when I first went into the ER to to be seen. My friends, significant other and my significant other’s family has done so much to help that I don’t think I can ever say thank you enough. Al came home tonight after we were finally able to return home yesterday. Ahhhhh.
Thank you for sending your thoughts and prayers my way. Wendy.
This week has been and continues to be a scary one. I have been in the ER four times and had six emergency appts with the opthalmologist since Tuesday. I was originally diagnosed with allergic reaction and this was changed within 24 hours of diagnosis to an aggressive infection in my Left eye. I can no longer see through the ulcer and infection on that eye. It is just one big blur that has remained in intense pain in light or added pressure from bending over, etc. I am putting in eye drops every hour on the hour to attempt to fight the infection. In the words of several opthmalamologists now the matter is serious and my eye sight at risk. The pain is excruciating and because of the opiod crisis the opthalmologist was not willing to prescribe anything. I have finally had enough and am returning to the ER to get pain meds today. I hate the doctors new fear of opiods. Praying that my sight returns in my left eye soon. Much love, Wendy
This week marks the one year anniversary of my blog. I still struggle to balance my time between work, treatment, recovery and rest. The past few months have brought a job change that is less stressful, continued treatment, and continued work towards recovery. This year has been a year of progress in so many ways. It has had some major challenges and set backs at times but my mood is so much more stable, I have been in a stable relationship for nearly a year now, and have a more stable med med regimen. I have also slowly been learning to accept my weight and body shape at whatever weight or shape I am at. I am grateful for so many things.including all of my followers and their support.
Thank you for a memorable first year.
Tonight I write with a heavy heart. My nephew’s best friend died by suicide today. He is hurting with a pain that is inconceivable to many people. This is a pain we now share. Tonight as I spoke with him I realized how many hurtful comments I have heard when I lost a friend in my life to suicide. Most of these came from individuals who did not understand mental health issues and the pain one feels when they are experiencing suicidal ideation. Even though I have gone through a number of deaths by suicide, I could only tell my nephew to ignore the words that are offensive and cherish the memories of his friend in his heart. I am more worried about keeping my nephews and niece alive who are impacted by this death. Suicide contagion is very real and very serious and my nephew already has suffered from a mood disorders. I worry about his life after this experience.
There are no easy words for those suffering with suicidal thoughts. You are more than your depression. It may not feel like it but you are. If in a mixed state, you are more than your present mood state. You are enough. You are lovable.
There is hope. It might come in the smallest thing. For me it was a song called “Swim” by Jack’s Mannequin. Find it, hold onto and don’t give up.
Being my rather OCD self, I went to the library in my hometown to look for the most recommended books on habits yesterday. Once I set my mind to something I become pretty determined to accomplish it. One specific book, recommends focusing on one task at a time to change. Right now I have about 30 times that on my list. I went to the dietician today for the first time in months to talk about goals. I had a list of seven when I walked in the door to meet with her and was able to explain each one and the reason behind them. They are prioritized so I know which ones are the most important to focus on and there are some that are simple like making phones calls or completing labs. The dietician didn’t seem to think I had lost all my marbles but a few of them were rolling through the Kerplunk game a little faster than normal this week.
I have spent some time time contemplating the one vs multiple changes occurring at the same time the last 24 hours. I am left with “radical recovery.” I think of several people who I know who made the decision to finally get clean or sober and did 90 meetings in 90 days and basically overhauled their lives to maintain their sobriety. When I think about making changes to my life, that is what comes to mind. Most people in mental health recovery don’t have the type of support offered by AA or NA meetings. The closest thing we have here is a Depression Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA) meeting once a week for people with mood disorders and their supports. I do have supports in my life who would support me if I shared I was making major overhaul changes though. Probably more than I realize.
In order to make multiple changes at once and be successful I have created a list of things that needs to be a priority or commitment to eventually succeed because I am not delusional. I realize I may fail at some, hopefully succeed at some and make progress at other goals.
Change toolbox for success
- Make health and exercise a priority
- Persistence and perseverance
- Not afraid to fail
- Take full responsibility for my life
- Create my own morning routine
- Have a support system
- Takes initiative
- Surround yourself with like minded people
- Communicate clearly
- Good listening skills
- Value alone time
- Discipline and self control
- Follow through with what you say (no excuses, only results)
Love the journey more than the results.
I know I might be dreaming but I made the choice to change some key things in my life pretty radically and the only way to be successful is to follow this list.