Scary time

This week has been and continues to be a scary one. I have been in the ER four times and had six emergency appts with the opthalmologist since Tuesday. I was originally diagnosed with allergic reaction and this was changed within 24 hours of diagnosis to an aggressive infection in my Left eye. I can no longer see through the ulcer and infection on that eye. It is just one big blur that has remained in intense pain in light or added pressure from bending over, etc. I am putting in eye drops every hour on the hour to attempt to fight the infection. In the words of several opthmalamologists now the matter is serious and my eye sight at risk. The pain is excruciating and because of the opiod crisis the opthalmologist was not willing to prescribe anything. I have finally had enough and am returning to the ER to get pain meds today. I hate the doctors new fear of opiods. Praying that my sight returns in my left eye soon. Much love, Wendy

Radical recovery

Being my rather OCD self, I went to the library in my hometown to look for the most recommended books on habits yesterday. Once I set my mind to something I become pretty determined to accomplish it. One specific book, recommends focusing on one task at a time to change. Right now I have about 30 times that on my list. I went to the dietician today for the first time in months to talk about goals. I had a list of seven when I walked in the door to meet with her and was able to explain each one and the reason behind them. They are prioritized so I know which ones are the most important to focus on and there are some that are simple like making phones calls or completing labs. The dietician didn’t seem to think I had lost all my marbles but a few of them were rolling through the Kerplunk game a little faster than normal this week.

I have spent some time time contemplating the one vs multiple changes occurring at the same time the last 24 hours. I am left with “radical recovery.” I think of several people who I know who made the decision to finally get clean or sober and did 90 meetings in 90 days and basically overhauled their lives to maintain their sobriety. When I think about making changes to my life, that is what comes to mind. Most people in mental health recovery don’t have the type of support offered by AA or NA meetings. The closest thing we have here is a Depression Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA) meeting once a week for people with mood disorders and their supports. I do have supports in my life who would support me if I shared I was making major overhaul changes though. Probably more than I realize.

In order to make multiple changes at once and be successful I have created a list of things that needs to be a priority or commitment to eventually succeed because I am not delusional. I realize I may fail at some, hopefully succeed at some and make progress at other goals.

Change toolbox for success

Make health and exercise a priority
Persistence and perseverance
Not afraid to fail
Gratitude
Prioritize
Take full responsibility for my life
Create my own morning routine
Self-awareness
Goal-oriented
Have a support system
Takes initiative
Proactive
Self-awareness
Surround yourself with like minded people
Communicate clearly
Good listening skills
Value alone time
Consistency
Discipline and self control
Follow through with what you say (no excuses, only results)

Love the journey more than the results.

I know I might be dreaming but I made the choice to change some key things in my life pretty radically and the only way to be successful is to follow this list.

W.L.

The process of progess

I have been struggling with depression still and re-evaluating my goals and self discipline that are needed for me to achieve and accomplish my goals. In light of recent events I have been trying to decide what my values are at this point. It seems like a daunting task on some days.

Re-defining yourself in the wake of what could be a terminal illness is scary. Old goals seem obsolete and unimportant. Working for money’s sake does not seem to be such a priority. Wanting to spend time with loved ones and be in the best possible health does. Spending time doing a meaningful career seems much more important. Spending time doing things I love feels more valuable than time fillers like watching TV. Getting rid of clutter is essential. Doing my bucket list more pressing than before.

I don’t know if I have shared that I have taken care of others for most of my teen and adult life. I am feeling like I’m kind of over it right now. I need to take care of me and frankly I don’t think I have been doing well at it. Harsh reality check.

So you will hear me blogging on self discipline and change and goals for at least a month ( it takes 21 days at least to start a new habit.) There will be word art (I have a new app on my phone and a new printer), regular art, goal setting for short and long term projects and other happening things.

Take a trip with me and see where we go. I may face the world jobless this week but I am trying to believe that may not be a bad thing.

Be blessed on your own journey’s my friends.

W.L

ABCs of Recovery

The ABCs of Recovery

A= asking for help
B= bravery
C= choosing life
D= Dawn after darkness
E= eating healthy
F= freedom
G= gaining back your health
H= hope
I= it is possible
J= just one step at a time
K= knowing you are enough
L= loving yourself
M= managing urges
N= nurturing your body
O= opening up
P= positive thinking
Q= quiet meditation
R= relapse (is okay)
S= Strength
T= talking
U= understanding
V= valuing yourself
W= worth it

Comorbity and juggling multiple illnesses

It took me forever to learn what the words comorbidity or comorbid meant. For some reason it just did not want to sink in and register that it was having a mental illness in addition to a physical health issues or having multiple mental health diagnoses. Maybe the word morbid being part of it didn’t help. It should have…my physical health issues have a “morbid” twist to them and I tend to make jokes about my CVID and lymphoma…trauma and PTSD and eating disorder not so much.

I probably confuse most of my blog readers because when I started my blog I truly meant to keep it as a social worker’s perspective of living with a mental illness (or two or three or four diagnoses: Bipolar Disorder, Eating disoder, PTSD, and ADD w/OCD tendencies.) I was diagnosed with CVID(common variable immune deficiency) in 2006. I lack 4 of 5 gamma proteins that help you fight infection. One is given back to me by i.v. every four weeks (IgG). This puts me at great risk for cancer especially lymphoma which I was diagnosed with for a second time this past fall. I have included my physical health issues in my blog because they have been overwhelming at times. I am juggling a lot right now in the health department and have managed to get by fairly well mental health wise with a few crashes here and there mostly involving my relationship due to some type of misunderstanding. Physical health issues have been difficult to overcome… pain is a daily stressor as well as fatigue and I am still learning how to cope with these things. It all gets blurred in my blog.

I struggled over whether or not I would share my lymphoma diagnosis in October and I did after avoiding my blog for several weeks. I sometimes feel like I have been put through the ringer. I really just want to spend time with people I love. Some in my life don’t understand this. They don’t get the pain and amount of effort it takes to fight every day either.

So if it seems like my blog is heading in a scattered direction it is because my life has been since last Fall. Bear with me as my life unfolds. I am watching the process with you.

Much love and peace to you all ❣️ W.L.

Wonderings

At times I find myself thinking about death and dying. I’m pretty sure it comes with the cancer diagnosis. I try hard not to stay here for long periods of time. I have been trying hard to enjoy each day I am given as a gift to remember to stay in the present moment and live it to the fullest extent. I don’t know the future. My gut tells me to enjoy life and my friends and family as much as I can now because tomorrow is not promised. It is my gut feeling that I have been having since I was diagnosed. There have been a few reinforcers since then. Telling those around you that you are thinking of death and dying though goes over over like a lead balloon. The questions start pouring out like the third Inquisition They forget all the stats on CVID and cancer let alone Bipolar Disorder. There are very very few people around in life who are able to handle a discussion with you about life and death without freaking out and losing their poop so to speak, especially those who are closest to you. Though I am not a religious person of sorts due events in my life I am a person who has a deep faith. This conversation or conversations may come down to meeting with a pastor to to relieve some of the things I have been trying to process individually with great difficulty. No one ever said that having a terminal illness would be easy I just watch to make memories happen while I am able to. If you have ever had a chronic illness, there is not a day that goes by that isn’t impacted by it. It is a matter of how much you allow it to impact your life that matters. How much does your mental or physical health diagnosis impact your life? How do you decide?

Wendy

Fear

Probably one of the worst fears as a social worker that I have is that I will find one of my clients dead during a home visit. Over the years, I have lost over 30 clients to suicide, murder, illness, drug or alcohol related issues, etc. This week I had one of these scenarios at work but luckily our worry was unfounded when we later found the client safe in the community.

I do not handle death well. Some may say that I am overly attached to my clients but I do care about them and many of them have lost their natural supports over the years. While I hate when people do safety checks on me I sometimes feel the need to do them to ensure that my clients are safe and okay. What are your thoughts on safety checks?

I think I would rather be safe and sorry for caring too much than letting someone suffer for days because I didn’t act. Thank God that this week the client was safe!

Hope you all have a good day.

W L.