Celebrating 100+

Thank you all so much. I now have over 100 followers on my blog. I couldn’t have done this without you!!!!

You inspire me to keep going and sharing even when things are difficult. I appreciate your feedback and support and kind words of encouragement.

Thanks for helping me making this milestone happen.



Finding balance between my work and personal life feels totally out of whack. Not only is it impacting me but my relationship with my significant other. Last night I brought work home and ended up spending time with a friend who needed my time before my significant other got home. The result was an all nighter in part due to needing to talk some things through with my significant other and spend time with them after a conversation that raised some emotions due to what was probably being overly sensitive on my part. I lost it last night emotionally and felt like running from our relationship for the first time in two months. I felt scared of being judged which is a leftover issue from my perfectionist father. I cried and cried because I felt teased and like I wasn’t measuring up.

Work has been a fiasco with several of my clients in crisis daily that I can’t accomplish anything. Add on top that balancing work and personal life isn’t going well and I am starting to have high levels of anxiety to the point where I was shaking at work today when things fell apart. This scares me. I usually have a John Wayne approach to work and it is not working. I am falling apart internally and questioning again whether or not I can be in relationships with others. I am afraid of being harmful to my significant other due to watching them struggle lately. I wonder if it is possible to do my job and have a healthy relationship. I just want to be happy.


Balancing relationship and work life


I have now been dating the same person for six weeks.  It remains going well despite the struggle to return to work and balance both home and work life with a job that is both physically and mentally exhausting at times.  Sometimes I feel like I fail at balancing both home and work life well and maintaining responsibilities.  It is an ongoing challenge that most case managers/social workers face in their jobs.  There is simply too much to do and too little time to do it in and it makes it hard to accomplish everything especially when you employment status is salary exempt (meaning that no matter how much work there is to be done you will only be paid 37.5 hours to complete it in whether you work 45-55.  We are currently completing lean projects and our work load went up and they are trying to find ways for us to work smarter not harder.

I am still adjusting to being back at work and trying to catch up to speed with my clients while having other workers dump what they didn’t do in my lap that still needs to be completed while adjusting to the next requirements.  Trying to juggle this plus several messes that were made of my clients’ situations which have left many of them in crisis since I returned, has not made an easy transition.  Add on top that I came down with a case of bronchitis this past week and it was even more challenging.  I am still trying to balance meeting my client needs with getting home early so that I can spentd time with my significant other and maintain our relationship.  While it is going well, I know that the amount of hours I work has been taking it’s toll on them and that concerns me.  So my goal this week was to use my hot spot which allows me to access our agency server and type progress notes as I am with the client.  Then today my hot spot was not working.  I felt more exasperated than words can speak.  We have several deadlines this week due to it being month’s end and I am afraid that I won’t be able to make them and unless my boss can understand that my computer was not working this afternoon I couldn’I have handle going back to work receive a written warning for late paperwork. It is the icing the cake.

Mood wise I have done better than I thought I would in returning to work.  I was very hesitant when we came to the point that I had to return to work.  But overall it has gone better than I expected it to.  I think that mood has been much more stable since I have someone to share my life with and have support from.  I feel blessed by their presence in my life and like they bring out the best in me.  The qualities of my personality that I often keep hidden I have been much more likely to share.  They make me feel like they bring out the best qualities in my personality and character and for that I am a better person since they are in my life.  I just need to be able to give equally at home and work and I have never done that before. Old dogs learning new tricks takes a while.



The rumor Mill and paranoia

Sometimes I think that there’s nothing worse than returning to work after an extended medical leave. The rumor Mill is constantly churning and all the crap that people have been saying about you eventually comes back around to you. The thing that pisses me off though is when it comes back to me through my clients.

The day after I started back to work I had to go on steroids for an allergic reaction to a medication. Bipolar disorder and steroids do not mix. I find myself feeling more paranoid than usual and treading very carefully with most of my co-workers. I’ve caught myself several times obsessing about things I shouldn’t be worried about yet I am. I miss the carefree days from July when I was growing and changing and enjoying life doesn’t the first time in a long time.

I’ve only been back to work one week tomorrow and I already miss those day


Relationship give and take

I feel like there is so much I have to learn about the give and take of relationships. Tonight I feel like I have been selfish since going back to work because it has been such a struggle. I missed cues that my significant other was struggling this afternoon while I was at work cleaning up messes from while I was on my medical leave.

I hate feeling so wrapped up in my job that I miss things. I feel torn about who I can ntake care of and when. Even meeting my own needs working in a challenge. Tonight I f3el like an utter failure probably from lack of sleep Sue to roo many teips to the ER lately I have not slept well all week since going back to work

Partially because of physical symptoms until partially due to an allergic reaction to a med to treat those symptoms. But I know in my heart that being tired is the worst time to question myself about where things are at right now

Praying things start feeling better soon.


Back to work

Headed back to work after being on medical leave for several months. Nervous and anxious about returning to work. Grateful to be able to see my clients again.

Medically, feeling slightly more stable and hoping for the best. A little bit worried that my health is not strong enough to handle the stress of my job yet. Still a lot of medical issues going on that need to be addressed.

My eating disorder is starting to stabilize as I have been eating more but still losing weight slowly with the change in eating habits. I have been eating healthier since starting my new relationship in July.

I’ve been spending my free time with my significant other knowing that I would have to head back to work soon it has been a process of learning a lot about myself and how I handle relationships. Some good and some challenges.

I’m more real than I have ever been before though. I am learning about challenges and coping together currently something I never even considered in the past. Progress I guess.


Relationships and PTSD


I think that one of the hardest things about survivor of PTSD and sexual assault is not letting impact my current relationship.  I have talked about some of the incidents that have happened and most of the time feel present and safe and able to be vulnerable but it doesn’t undo the damage from the past.

This is probably the safest relationship I have ever been in and I still am struggling not to allow the past to creep in at times and impact the present.  I find myself wondering at these times, if I will ever be able to escape and move past some of these horrific events from my past.  For years I just pushed them away or was basically numb inside.  That numbness took away the joy in my life as well as the pain though.  Now I am feeling a bit of everything….things that I have not experienced for years.  It feels good yet terrifying.  I find myself reluctant to talking about it with very many people for fear I might jinx the good parts of it.

I know I am guarded in terms of sharing this relationship with others in my life not because I am ashamed of it because I am more afraid of something going wrong with it because it has awakened my soul and I am terrified to going back to the soul that was numb and partially dead inside.  It is like protecting a plot of soil of newly seeded ground and wanting to water and protect it,  tend to the seeds to allow them to grow before allowing anyone else near them to trample on the seeds unless they have the best interest of the seeds at heart and are willing to tend to them too and invest in their growth as well.  Those who do not care or are simply careless are not welcome yet for neither the relationship, or maybe I am, not strong enough, to handle people’s careless comments and actions until I feel more confident and firmly planted in the soil of the love.  Accepting love and understanding has always been a struggle for me.  I felt unwanted in my family and love was confused with performance not simply who I was as a person.

There is a saying in AA that “TIme takes time.”  Right now that is where I am at.  I am moving at a a turtle’s pace.  I need time.  Slow and steady wins the race.