Thank you all so much. I now have over 100 followers on my blog. I couldn’t have done this without you!!!!
You inspire me to keep going and sharing even when things are difficult. I appreciate your feedback and support and kind words of encouragement.
Thanks for helping me making this milestone happen.
I had someone ask me this weekend how I managed to work while dealing with my mood disorder. I calmly explained to them that I basically started working in the mental health field before I graduated from college and was taught to drop yourself and your issues at the door when beginning your work day when I first started out in the field. It was not an easy lesson to learn but now has become so ingrained in my life that I allow it to spill over into my personal life sometimes by not letting my guard down with safe people. I have to work harder at letting my clients know me then worrying about keeping myself put together. I am assumed to be more serious than I am because I struggle to smile due to having been diagnosed with tardive dyskinesia and grimacing when stressed. I have been assumed to be a witch with a capital B at times because of this. It makes me feel pretty bad because it is so far from the truth. I go above and beyond for most all of my clients. So it hurts when I had the TD happen and assumptions made. I would give anything to not have a mood disorder but they run in my family and I was the lucky one to get Bipolar I Disorder. It took forever to get a proper diagnosis with nearly ten years of misdiagnosis occurring before I got my diagnosis and was put on the right meds. During this time I shared very little with my co-workers and family and it took me almost dying from a drug overdose before people knew I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. I do not make it public knowledge but I don’t hide it under a rock either. I suppose one day I will have to retire from the mental health field and do something different for my sanity. I know I have good clinical skills though. When I struggle my paperwork suffers more than anything. I contemplate working in another area of mental health or a different field some days when I am really struggling. I don’t know if it is possible. I would need more schooling to do certain jobs. Some seem overwhelming to even think about. So one day you might hear me say, I am going to do something totally different with my life. You never know…
Tonight I feel a bit hypomanic. It was what my psychiatrist was shooting for. I forgot that it is such a fine line between hypomanic and manic though with increasing the Prozac that it makes me feel a little bit nervous about the increase. I am grateful that I am no longer having suicidal ideation though and finally feel like my mood is lifting from the abyss that it was in after getting off steroids for upper respiratory infections. I am just a bit concerned about how fast my mood improved once we doubled the Prozac though. I’m also grateful to be over the worst of the nausea that the Prozac was causing. I haven’t gotten sick for a few days now and feel back to my normal self in regards to eating. I am just motivated to stay out of the hospital and that means keeping my mood balanced and in check. My partner, also, has a mood disorder and it makes it difficult to balance for the other when one of us is either too high or too low and I feel like that’s most often me and I am the one who is making it difficult for my partner to balance their mood and regulate their sleep because of my sleep and work habits. So much so that I feel guilty and end up in tears about it because I struggle with feeling toxic to others (something I have struggled with since I was abused as a child.)
The next few days will definitely be a good indicator of what’s going to happen with my mood. I pray that my mood stabilizes and I can feel productive again.
I am finally beginning to feel like I can see some lifhr at the end of the tunnel after increasing my Prozac this past Friday and taking a day off work to recuperate and deal with my mental health. The sise wddexta are the down side to taking PeoAc though. Diear came the horrible nausea and vomiting and headaches. Now for the sexual effects. We rarely talk about these aide effects but they definitely impact one’s sex life. I’m lucky enough to have female providers to talk to these issues about but it is never easy to through it out there in conversation and be willing to say that this drug is impacting my sex life and how. My clients are too embarrassed to even bring it up to me when we talk about side effects even when encouraged to do so. I think so often that mental health professionals determine that a stable life is more important than a sex life and that isn’t necessarily the priorities in that order for some folks.
But for now I will remain content that I am coming out of this depression a little bit more each day and the suicidal thoughts are diminishing as time passes. Hopefully nothing will happen to rock the boat so to speak for a while.
I am supposed to see my therapist this afternoon and I feel totally unmotivated to get there. I know I should want to go and deal with things but I don’t. Last week when I went I ended up in tears and feeling worse after the appointment than at the beginning. It made me feel like I am failing and falling apart on so many levels that I can’t begin to count. I have survived most of my life and not lived or thrived after growing up in an abusive household. I don’t know how to enjoy life most of the time. I live for work and when I fail at work or feel like I am failing I get pretty intense about it because I have lived to take care of others my whole life and I get the meaning and sense of accomplishment from doing so. Changing my thinking is so impossible feeling that I can’t explain it to others. I have been in and out of therapy trying to for years but I learned to put other’s needs in front of my own as a kid and don’t know how to stop.
I have to drag myself into the shower if I am going to make my appointment.
Took today off work to recover. My mental health has been hanging on by a thread at times since starting the Prozac. It hasn’t helped that the Prozac made me so nauseous the first week and I actually felt like my level of depression worsened after starting it. My therapist thought that it was because I was no longer fixated on suicide and everything else was able to enter into my thinking. I have not done much of anything except work or sleep since the last few weeks because of my level of depression. My psychiatrist thinks that I need the sleep to catch up on the sleep I missed when I was on steroids. Yesterday we finally compromised and increased the Prozac to see if it will lift my mood without making me mania. Hopefully, the increase will not result in another round of nausea though. SSRI’s are not my friends. Also, with the malabsorption issue I have it sometimes takes a higher dose of medicine to be effective. I am willing to try anything at this point to be able to function better. I feel like a failure on so many levels right now. Even the smallest of tasks feel overwhelming. I don’t want to end up in the hospital. I feel like that is just a waste of time and puts my job at risk. I knew I needed a break today though and called in sick for a mental health day.