I am a bit OCD. I have been working out of 6 different journals this year, each with a special theme. The biggest problem with it is that it is taking me away from my blog.
There have, also, been things going on of a personal nature. My significant other moved out of my home about three weeks ago. I am trying to make the most of the situation and work on myself. She has her life and it doesn’t include me right now.
It is really hard to write out a blog and attempt to not complain as much as possible. My partner leaving stings because it is new and painful and leaves me feeling angry and frustrated and hurt on a deep level.
Inspi of everything happening around me, I choose each day I can to keep a gratitude journal again as I work through the book, Simple Abundance (part of why I have some of the many journals.) Some have to do with being a bibliophile and organizing some stuff properly.
Today was my born day. I’m grateful for my messy dysfunctional family some times and today was one of those days.
Sometimes I feel old and sometimes I still feel like a spring chicken. I had a nice birthday hanging out with family. I am grateful to be alive and for all my friends who wished me a very happy day. I am thankful for all of you as you travel along my recovery journey with me.i have a feeling that this year could take us in some awesome new directions. Peace be with you. Wendy
So much is happening lately and I’m finding myself frozen instead of fight or flight. I have shared my health concerns on here. I have been struggling to stay well and then my cousin with cancer passed away who I felt close to and I am struggling to regain my own physical and mental health. Grief is tough. The day I learned she passed away I cried and cried which did not help my health. I missed my childhood and adult friend. There would be no more talks about cancer, depression, a shared career, or a multitude of shared interests. I hated cancer…hers and my own. I felt guilty for still being here even though our course of treatments varied greatly. Every day I think of her and how much I miss her.
Sometimes it is difficult for me to share when things are not easy. I lost my job in August when my eye got infected. There are reasons I don’t talk about it that may I share later if possible. I am at the point of looking for a new job and feeling kinda stuck due to anxiety over not knowing what I want to pursue and fear of failure. In addition, I am suppose to travel out of state for a family gathering which will be the first time in nearly 20 years that we have all been together and I am feeling overwhelmed with going. It is more the idea of traveling than being together with family that is hard.
It is not easy for me to admit that I am feeling overwhelmed on my blog. It is much easier to be encouraging, humorous, educate, and give updates on my physical health but not so much with my mental health. I think it still carries much stigma for social workers and mental health staff to have mental health issues in amongst some of peers. It used to be that we were expected to drop ourselves at the door when we went to work. It is better than that now.
I want to thank all of you for hanging in there with me. I reached 200 followers this past week. You are all awesome. Wishing you a beautiful day.
I have been attempting to keep a structured format to my days since I stopped working in August. I am looking for work and hoping to get a job soon. I have been using my time to clean out my house, declutter and organize out of necessity. It has kept me from getting depression from not working which was impossible to continue for awhile due to my health.
Starting to look at jobs again is a struggle and I am feeling somewhat nervous. I am not sure what I want to do with my career at this point. I am leaving my options open to say the least. I am not sure where I will end up but I can assure you that it will be a good fit.
Things otherwise have been difficult. It has felt like I have had abuse triggers all around for about a month now. I think I have handled the majority of the situations better than usual but it is never easy to be triggered again and again. Our whole house has been put through the ringer and then got whammied by an upper respiratory infection that hangs on forever. I think that the emotional stress was the key to those of us it has hit the hardest.
My eye remains blurry. It is a wait and see healing process right now. Next month I will find out if I need surgery.
So my radical recovery process is do what I can every day and keep plugging away at the rest and stay positive. So far it is working.
Just thought I’d take a second to let you know how I was doing after yesterday’s fall. Doctors believe that I fell because my potassium level was low. This fall was a bad one in which I fell from the top step as I was entering my house from the deck. I fell off the top step on to the house and onto the grill. I have many scrapes and bruise but luckily I didn’t break anything or get a concussion. I did bruise the bone on my ankle and sprain it. So air splint for me along with a great pair of crutches.
My stinking thinking has met a can of air freshener. My thinking is much less negative today than yesterday. Just thinking about my recovery tool kit turned things around for me.
Today is a day that one thing (a fall) triggered a whole series of events. The physical complications of my fall involved a trip to the ER. The mental and emotional ones have left me struggling within my thoughts and questioning myself. I found myself beating up on myself for everything I could have to differently. Why is it that one negative event sets us on a trail of stinking thinking?
I used to be entrenched in negative thinking. It took a few years and a concentrated effort to turn my thinking around. Every so often I find myself returning to stinking thinking when certain events occur. I am battling a hard fight right now in this area as I have encountered the lose of my vision (though I did hear the ulcer is healed over and my eye is healing faster than the doctors predicted), the loss of my job, and other challenges. It is easy to fall back into the trap of negative self talk. It is a conscious choice to let it go every day and throughout the day. I use positive affirmations and quotes and song and a gratitude journal to refocus on the positive. Having the right tools in my tool kit before I need them helps. Do you have a recovery tool kit? What would you include in yours? Let me hear your thoughts on this idea. Some things in mine include photos of things I’ve accomplished..college graduation, completing a rope course, making it up a rock climbing wall, etc. Words of encouragement from others as well as thank you’s. Photos of the people I love and care about. I, also, put in stress relievers such art supplies, koosh balls, kaleidoscopes, and piano music. I keep mine in a box so they are in one central spot. It sometimes saved a difficult day and turns it into a positive one.
Will share more soon. Awaiting x-ray and test results while I write.
Just a quick update on my eye. I can finally see through the cornea ulcer on my left eye well enough to see some things. I have been to the ER six times and seen the eye doctor every day for the last two weeks. This week included a trip to Ann Arbor and University of Michigan to see a specialist regarding the ulcer left on my eye by the infectión I got around 7/4/19. It has impacted my overall health after the loss of sight in one eye for so long. I am overjoyed with gratitude that my sight is slowly returning. To say I have done fine through this process would be a lie. I crashed after my visit to University of Michigan and have lost an a considerable amount of weight by lack of appetite. It is also hard and frustrating to lose your sight so quickly. I find myself losing time and disengaging from others in general especially as the pain increases. After days of putting eye drops for various treatment needs around the clock in my eye, I just want to snooze as long as possible. I am in wonder at the complexity and working of our eyes though. It is amazing all they do. I am grateful for the help that I haved around me since the the 2nd when I first went into the ER to to be seen. My friends, significant other and my significant other’s family has done so much to help that I don’t think I can ever say thank you enough. Al came home tonight after we were finally able to return home yesterday. Ahhhhh.
Thank you for sending your thoughts and prayers my way. Wendy.