It took me forever to learn what the words comorbidity or comorbid meant. For some reason it just did not want to sink in and register that it was having a mental illness in addition to a physical health issues or having multiple mental health diagnoses. Maybe the word morbid being part of it didn’t help. It should have…my physical health issues have a “morbid” twist to them and I tend to make jokes about my CVID and lymphoma…trauma and PTSD and eating disorder not so much.
I probably confuse most of my blog readers because when I started my blog I truly meant to keep it as a social worker’s perspective of living with a mental illness (or two or three or four diagnoses: Bipolar Disorder, Eating disoder, PTSD, and ADD w/OCD tendencies.) I was diagnosed with CVID(common variable immune deficiency) in 2006. I lack 4 of 5 gamma proteins that help you fight infection. One is given back to me by i.v. every four weeks (IgG). This puts me at great risk for cancer especially lymphoma which I was diagnosed with for a second time this past fall. I have included my physical health issues in my blog because they have been overwhelming at times. I am juggling a lot right now in the health department and have managed to get by fairly well mental health wise with a few crashes here and there mostly involving my relationship due to some type of misunderstanding. Physical health issues have been difficult to overcome… pain is a daily stressor as well as fatigue and I am still learning how to cope with these things. It all gets blurred in my blog.
I struggled over whether or not I would share my lymphoma diagnosis in October and I did after avoiding my blog for several weeks. I sometimes feel like I have been put through the ringer. I really just want to spend time with people I love. Some in my life don’t understand this. They don’t get the pain and amount of effort it takes to fight every day either.
So if it seems like my blog is heading in a scattered direction it is because my life has been since last Fall. Bear with me as my life unfolds. I am watching the process with you.
Much love and peace to you all ❣️ W.L.
Thank you all so much. I now have over 100 followers on my blog. I couldn’t have done this without you!!!!
You inspire me to keep going and sharing even when things are difficult. I appreciate your feedback and support and kind words of encouragement.
Thanks for helping me making this milestone happen.
Finally home from the Upper Pennisula in Michigan. It was a relaxing and refreshing time of getting away. Was able to spend some time on the beach without being carried away by black flies looking for Lake Superior Agates. Found a few to take home before getting sun burnt and calling it a day.
Played my very first game of Monopoly ever. Watched Carrie Fisher’s stand up comedy routine that was based on her book Wishful Drinking. Sat beside a couple of spectacular bonfires and enjoy the majestic midnight stargazing. And started reading Brene’ Brown’s Daring Greatly.
While a short trip in itself, it was long enough to get away and enjoy myself before having to return to the real world.
I missed you all and hope you are well.
Today someone said I looked thin
I looked into the mirror again
I cannot seem to see what they saw.
I only see a body with one humongous flaw
I see the scale reducing numbers and wonder where they went…
As my clothes looser fitting as time is spent.
I should be able to see it when i look into the mirror…
Instead all inside of me is lost in a storm of fear.
You can’t bring yourself even to talk about it…
I want to tell you that it is getting worse bit by bit.
Pretending that it doesn’t exist
Will only make me rebellious and persist.
Despite the others who keep warning me
pointing out the signs to see
That danger is lurking close by
And my food restrictions and issues way too high
I cannot make myself be around food
It causes me to panic and feel I’m no good.
I want to run away as fast as I can…
But discussing eating disorders is obviously a ban.
Poem by me.
Today marks the 2nd week that I have been blogging. People in my life are commenting that it seems to be having a positive impact. I have surprised myself in how open I have been able to be about things I would never talk about with most people in real life… like my eating disorder, my PTSD issues, and some my issues related my mood disorder.
I have, also, shared more of my faith on here than I usually share with others. I have been wounded pretty badly by the religious community and am just starting to allow some of those wounds to heal. Every times I share something to do with faith though it is a stretch for me in vulnerability. It allows people into another part of me that’s been pretty closed off to most others for the last 14 to 15 years.
Thank you for being part of my journey as I start to blog and experiment with finding my voice along my path to recovery.
I stand back, away from all of you
You have no idea, no clue
The agony going on in my mind
The racing and anxious thoughts you would find
If you took a step in my shoes
Then maybe you’d understand that this is a little more than just the blues.
Take a step or two inside
Find out what makes me isolate and hide.
Stigma, Judgment, Insecurity and shame…
I assure that this is not some attention attention seeking game.
That I would never voluntarily choose to play
As I attempt to continue living on the Path, my way.
Poem by me.
Just musings going through my head. A rough draft if you will.
Today I may grow and bloom
Tomorrow I may be filled with gloom
My mood shifts from day to day
Leaving me without words to say.
So much I wish I could express
Without leaving someone else a mess.
I crawl deeper and deeper within
Fearing that one day one of these retreats will win.
Desperation fills my soul
Like tears gathering in a howl.
When will the pain end I often ask…
Maybe when I stop pretending and take off my mask.