One week later…

I started my new medication one week ago today. I have been fighting nausea every morning after I take it for a couple of hours. It is helping with the OCD and compulsive/intrusive thoughts regarding death but I actually have felt more depressed the last few days. I am not sure if it is because my thinking has cleared enough to allow me to think about other things that I have been avoiding. All I know is that it is scary and I am not sure if I am comfortable with the idea of continuing to feel this level of depression. My meds are being doled out a few days at a time and I don’t have access to them between times for safety reasons. Giving up control is never easy but sometimes necessary. I have been really quiet which makes people around me uneasy I think but talking is hard and makes me feel worse most of the time. The psychiatrist said I might not notice a change in my mood for up to four weeks. That feels like an eternity right now.

Returning to rational thinking

The new meds are starting to kick in and my thoughts have been less obsessive and no more active suicidal ideation. My mood seems like it is more dysthymic on a steady basis which has left me quieter than usual and making others around me more concerned. Treating the OCD symptoms has had the added benefit of reducing my overall anxiety level. I never really thought much about my OCD symptoms until I started my relationship with my partner this summer. I hadn’t really considered how much it was impacting my life and manifesting itself as other things such as anxiety and ADHD without the hyperactivity. I actually have felt more relaxed since starting the med to treat the OCD than I have in in a very, very long time. It comes with a small price though…the med is causing me to get pretty sick after I take it every morning for a few hours. This is a historic problem that I have had with this class of medications. I know it will eventually go away. If it continues to work and eventually lifts my mood as well l think that it will be worth it in the end.

Swedish proverb 2.2

When struggling with depression, I find my mind does not remember details or events as well as well as it usuall does.

That being said, I get stressed like the last couple of weeks, it becomes harder and harder to remember everything I should be keeping track of. Despite that I am grateful to be forgetful right now verses flooded with bad memories from PTSD.

Wendy

Psychiatrist visit

Went to the psychiatrist this afternoon. Talked about everything that has been going on. Discussed options for where to go from here. After much discussion, we decided on medication changes to see if it will eleviate the intrusive thoughts and depression. The psychiatrist added a med to help with OCD as well help with stabilizing my mood. I am pretty anxious about trying a new med med right now but it is better than being in the hospital.

I apologise to everyone for blurting out my feelings the last few days but I needed an outlet to decompress before I made a stupid decision. I have not talked to people much about my feelings with people around me because I worry about feeling like a burden and worrying others feels awful and anxiety invoking. It is just easier to keep everything bottled up inside. Thank you for bearing with me as I have been in crisis the last few days. I promise I will be okay eventually and return to my normal self sooner or later.

Wendy

Struggling hard

Back on Prednisone for bronchitis that won’t clear. My mood has tanked. I feel plagued by feelings of hopelessness and despair and failure. I almost quit my job today because I have felt so inadequate to do it. I have struggled to even get to work yesterday and today. This is as close to giving up as I have felt in a while with no reprieve. I don’t want to go home tonight. I just want to hide and run and leave everything behind. I don’t want to talk about failing because people around me don’t seem to get it. Trying to hold on and stay safe when it is the very last thing I want to do.

Swedish Proverb 2.1

Resiliency comes in many forms and choices. While I have been under an enormous amount of stress the last few weeks, I still have choices on how to live my life in a way that that allows for more joy to enter in. The above quote is actually a Swedish proverb though some people accredited the quote to writer, Ralph Waldo Emerson; and actor Johnny Depp, on most web sites. It reminds me not to take life too seriously and endorphin releasing a good heat belly laugh is. One o my co-workers has the most infectious laughs to be around. It’s contagious. She brings joy to our whole team just by being present with her humour and fun- loving spirit. This proverb helped to remind me that I am usually good at using the love passage from 1 Corinthians as a mantra throughout my work day and I haven’t been doing that and it shows. I am not as patient; I am not letting go of wrong doings, I am not other-centered vs. self-centered, etc. I could go on but I think you get the point. I needed to be reminded that I am in need of more laughter and love in my life especially at work.

Send me your best attempts at humor…try to keep it fairly so I can retell the jokes without incident to my clients who could use a laugh with me. I love mental health jokes by the way.

Wendy 🐢

Leftover emotions and thinking from childhood

Spent time processing with my therapist tonight the events of the week and the results of them on me emotionally, mentally, and physically. I learned to dissociate when things were overwhelming in my abuse when I was little. The aftermath is that I still struggle with emotions that feel stuck in youth or I totally check out or cannot maintain certain connections with others. These things can be spell disaster when feeling hopeless or helpless like I did when I was a kid. At work my life was threatened this week a few times on top of all the things happening at home. I have been triggered quite a few times at work in recent weeks and already under more stress than my co-workers and I handle all year. It is near unbearable and I know that I am near my breaking point in my personal life because I have had constant intense crises happening all day every day since I had pneumonia.

Because I know my tendency to dissociate and need to calm myself down so I don’t have panic attacks at work, I need to sleep extra, take extra anxiety meds, and relax whatever ways I can. I haven’t been able to do that though this week and I am close to feeling those childish emotions of helplessness and hopelessness that stem from being trapped in abuse for years without a way out. My therapist reminded me that I am an adult now and able to move past these emotions by making choices. Hard to rewire your brain sometimes on the process especially if people around you don’t get the dissociation that is happening.

I love the pic from Pixabay above. I was a huge Pooh fan as a little girl Silly old bear.