Please love me.

Trigger warning: suicide content:

My friend who just died from depression had said of him that he could never accept that people loved him. I know when I am depressed I, also, don’t feel loved by others. I struggle to stay connected to others on many layers.  I wonder if this is a common trait of those who experience major depression or major depressive episodes such as with Bipolar I and II.    

I love the above statement. I’m terrible at expressing it to my loved ones and friends when I am in those darkest of moments. So this the statement I use to convey that I’m hurting or needing to feel more love than usual.

Stay safe and know you are loved. Wendy

                                                     

Calgon take me away.

*****trigger warning…contains information related to suicide.

My heart is broken after the last 10 days.

I feel worn out. In my personal life I have had three people completed suicides in the last 12 days. The most impacting one occurred for me yesterday morning. I am mostly in a state of shock after all this and wanting to keep another loved one from acting out these temporary solutions to very real problems. Today I spent crying off and on as I hung out with with my besties. So many people are in pain area me that I feel overwhelmed by it. I can’t even use my normal escapes such as reading, crafts, binging watching on Netflix, etc. My family of choice is wandering aimlessly and my family of origin is falling apart at the seams right now. How do I remove the pain from those around me to lessen the burden they carry now too. Sigh…so tired n related to suicide. Wendy

Returning to Recovery

Recovery is a long process of setting goals and working towards regaining things lost due to illness or episodes in our lives. However, our lives might look very different as we recover. We might find that the career we’ve been doing is no longer something we feel like we can do. Our hobbies and interests may change as well as those activities that bring us joy. Is this metamorphosis wrong or just part recovery that is new and different? I think it is widely about us and how we change how we experience the world we live in. There will be people who don’t understand this process but do they need to? Recovery is very personal and about you discovering and regaining your very best self. What does recovery look like for you? Where are you at in your recovery process? Does change excite or scare you? Peace be with you all. Wendy.

It’s been awhile…

It’s been several months since I’ve blogged. I felt like I had little to say about mental health issues because I had so many physical health issues occurring and decided to take a break from my blog. Slowly my physical health has improved and I’m starting to feel back to where I had left off. I am back to eating healthier, walking each day, etc. Slowly I have started to socialize a bit more after a long winter and spring of social distancing.

I believe that one’s mental health is positively impacted by good diet and exercise routines. It is vital to care for oneself in these areas but finding the motivation to do so is difficult if you don’t make it a regular ritual that your committed to doing, possibly with a friend or loved one. I just started back to exercising regularly and I can already feel positive effects from it and all I’ve been doing is walking in increasing distances until I can get up to approximately 4 miles per day. I hope to continue to feel more energetic and inspired to do a little more each day. Thinking of you all. Have a great day. Wendy.

Things we can control…

Yesterday was a difficult day. I found myself missing people and feeling lonely and alone. I have been searching for recovery based materials to keep me focused on being all of me not just my mental health or medical health diagnoses. Today I came upon this list from Ruben Chavez from his book GrowThinkProsper. It is a a list of things we have control over. As I was writing the list in my journal I knew that there would be people who would possibly argue that they couldnt control some items in the list. Please remember that this is recovery focused and we dont need to be perfect but maybe working towards these things. I never would have thought i would have been able to let go of my past but i have managed to do it more and more over the last year and a half in therapy. stay positive and give it a read. THINGS YOU CAN CONTROL. 1.Your beliefs.
2.your attitude
3. your thoughts
4.your perspective
5.how honest you are
6.who your friends are
7. what books you read
8.how often you exercise
9. the type of food you eat 10.how many risks you take. 11.how you interpret situations 12.how kind you are to others 13. how kind you are to yourself
14.how often you say ” I love you.”
15.how often you say “thank you”
16.how you express your feelings
17. whether or not you ask for help.
18.how often you practice gratitude
19.how many times you smile today.
20.the amount of effort you put forth.
21. how you spend or invest you money
22. how much time you spend worrying
23.how often you think about your past
24. whether or not you judge people
25.whether or not you try again after a setback
26.how much you appreciate the things you have.

Homebound

Homebound due to low wbc count. Going a bit stir crazy. There is only so much journalling, reading, and watching Netflix one can do. Started on some long order due organizing and decluttering tasks today so I could possibly paint or do some crafts tomorrow such as quilting if I should feel up to it. The doctor doesn’t know why my wbc count dropped so low. More tests scheduled for next week. It is hard to be home and dependent on others for trips to get groceries, etc. Being alone is difficult- I miss socializing with friends and others at support groups, etc. My friends have been good about visiting but one came down ill today who was scheduled to visit. I try to connect through social media and phone calls but it doesn’t replace the real thing. I am grateful to have the company of Al (my dog) though yesterday he was sick and I ran out of paper towels to clean up his messes. luckily a special friend made an extra trip over with paper towels and some special food to see if he would recuperate. Today he seems on the mend and more lively and playful again. Ive been keeping a gratitude journal since January started as I work through the book Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach. It helps me keep my thinking positive and thankful for all I have. I am very grateful to be home versus stuck in the hospital as this has now gone on for 3 weeks. I know I might have to go to the hospital eventually but am grateful that it hasn’t been this entire time. I am, also, thankful things have been relatively stable in terms of how bad things could have been with my health. I may be looking at a blood transfusion to stabilize my wbc count but Im told that if i can handle it okay, i will get to go home soon after it is done. So for now I will choose to keep busy and focus on what i have to be grateful for and try to stay positive. i wish you all a blessed day. Wendy

Resolutions of 2020

It’s been a few weeks but I have been working on my resolutions almost on a daily basis. Usually I am dilligent and write my goals out in my journal. This year I spent more preparing for my goals than writing them down. Because of being laid up I am doing a massive reading goal and have already finished 5 books since the beginning of January. I am , also, working on jump starting my recovery steps again by working through Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach. i plan on working out more physically when possible. Right now, I am still working with lymphoma. I am grateful for many things and am keeping a journal daily and including 5 things I am grateful for each day before I go to bed. Last but not least I plan on working the 12 steps this year. so many things ahead.

New Year in motion

We are now almost a month into 2020. Many of us made many resolutions. How are they going for you? This is about the time that we either start to become more disciplined in our routines regarding our resolutions or we become discouraged about our progress towards goals for 2020. You might be wondering how it is that I know this this. Well, I know it takes a minimum of 21 days to start a new habit. I, also, know that people who aren’t consistent with keeping up with the new habit or routine will start to engage in negative self talk when they fail to succeed in the latest attempt to rein in on one or more areas of their life.

if new years resolutions were so easy to keep all of of would be making them again and again. i usually set a page of goals for a New Year and this year varied little from years past. i wanted to work towards change and growth this year. i felt ready. Did you set New years resolutions this year?! if so what were they? are you sticking to them? why or why not? Did you set several or one main goal? Did you have support or were you doing it alone? If your resolution is very important to you i challenge you not to give up. share your story. be encouraged and start again. in the words of Winston Churchill…never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never give up.

Love Wendy

Structure and lack there of.

I have been attempting to keep a structured format to my days since I stopped working in August. I am looking for work and hoping to get a job soon. I have been using my time to clean out my house, declutter and organize out of necessity. It has kept me from getting depression from not working which was impossible to continue for awhile due to my health.

Starting to look at jobs again is a struggle and I am feeling somewhat nervous. I am not sure what I want to do with my career at this point. I am leaving my options open to say the least. I am not sure where I will end up but I can assure you that it will be a good fit.

Things otherwise have been difficult. It has felt like I have had abuse triggers all around for about a month now. I think I have handled the majority of the situations better than usual but it is never easy to be triggered again and again. Our whole house has been put through the ringer and then got whammied by an upper respiratory infection that hangs on forever. I think that the emotional stress was the key to those of us it has hit the hardest.

My eye remains blurry. It is a wait and see healing process right now. Next month I will find out if I need surgery.

So my radical recovery process is do what I can every day and keep plugging away at the rest and stay positive. So far it is working.

Peace to you all.

Love Wendy 🧡🌼🐢

Update from yesterday

Just thought I’d take a second to let you know how I was doing after yesterday’s fall. Doctors believe that I fell because my potassium level was low. This fall was a bad one in which I fell from the top step as I was entering my house from the deck. I fell off the top step on to the house and onto the grill. I have many scrapes and bruise but luckily I didn’t break anything or get a concussion. I did bruise the bone on my ankle and sprain it. So air splint for me along with a great pair of crutches.

My stinking thinking has met a can of air freshener. My thinking is much less negative today than yesterday. Just thinking about my recovery tool kit turned things around for me.

🙃🌼🐢Thinking of you all.

Wendy