I had the opportunity to have a friend judge me this week based on her perception of my mental health without taking her own into account. We happen to be long term friends who work in the same field. Interestingly, I am choosing to let go of the relationship in order to maintain my recovery. I am a loyal friend but today I realized that not only does this friend appear to feel above her relationship with me but I have been the one to keep the relationship going by reaching out to her and making contact. I felt put down intellectually and emotionally by her response to something I had said that was genuine and asking for a response. She couldn’t find it in herself or our friendship to respond in earnest. It also made me feel put down professionally something she’s never done in all our years of friendship. Sigh.
I decided to cut ties for my recovery’s sake. I just returned to work full-time, am still recovering from Covid, and don’t want to get dragged down by other’s opinions of me when I have worked so hard to put my life back the last two years. If I let this drag me down, in a way their right and I have already lost the battle.
I struggle terribly with what others think of me but I have had to overcóme so much the last three years, I’m not willing to let anyone take that ground away again without some serious struggle to review my strengths and weaknesses and remind myself how far I have come. Being a loyal friend is a character trait I value. But what happens when you evaluate a relationship and see you’re the only one being loyal? I think it is time to honor your other friendships and those who are loyal in return. Peace ☮️🌼🕊️ everyone.
It’s 5:45 a.m. and I feel tired before this day has begun. That is the side effect of having pneumonia. Today is a full day…work, a Covid-19 test even though we know how it will turn out, more work, and then a new treatment to build back up some of my IgG levels through SubQ treatment. I am praying that the new medicine does not make me sick but the EPI-pen is on duty if it does and the hospital 🏥 is nearby. Please make me well! And don’t let me faint today. (Giving myself shots or starting the process of learning to.) Have a great day everyone. Enjoy the 🌞. ☮️ To you. Wendy.
I have not blogged in quite awhile. Many things have happened…New job, Covid, concussion, other health issues, medical treatment issues for CVID, and mental health issues (hypo-mania from the treatment for Covid.) I wondered what of value I had left to say. Last night I blundered and told my bestie to keep her chin up and I was called out on it. Sometimes even Social workers run out of things to say. I vow to not take the easy way out and just give up writing and saying nothing because it’s hard to find more meaningful words.
It’s a difficult decision to be a social worker and even more so to write. I believe I got discouraged because I didn’t feel my posts were impacting others and just stopped because I didn’t feel that I had even helped one person. But somewhere in my heart I don’t believe that’s true.
If someone’s told you you are beyond hope, you are not. You have worth. Your dreams matter and you can fulfill them. Believe in yourself, believe in your dreams (set smart goals). Never give up. I am idealist. I watch movies like Rudy, Radio, etc. I believe in the impossible.
This quotes on my header to this post are actually lyrics to a kid’s song sung in rounds. The song is called “One bottle of pop…” The fourth or fifth verse goes “Don’t put your trash in my trash can, my trash can. Don’t put your trash in my trash can my trash can’s full”. I sang this song as a little girl at the age of 8 or 9 at camp in the summers. I never thought I would find myself singing it to myself when I hear other people’s drama going on around me in my personal life. I don’t like go around singing this on the top of my lungs but there are days when it is reminding me to set healthy boundaries with some unhealthy people in my life.
I have had a difficult month getting my mood straightened back out after steroids. My sleep cycle is a total mess. I sléep when I should be awake and am awake when I should be asleep. I’ve had a few times when my mouth has started to swell up again and then stopped. So I am really allergic to something.
I lost my doctor due not getting any sleep and how the new MA interpreted my extreme quietness from not sleeping before a medical appointment earlier in the the month. I am amazed by human conflict and mostly the lack of it because people are afraid something bad will happen if they talk their conflicts through. This MA thought things about me that I would never do never do or say but she didn’t know me either. All because she assumed many things and knew nothing about my mental health.
There is a conflict in the neighborhood I live in about smoking. I feel like Switzerland in this conflict because I am so sick of the drama it is causing. But I watch and listen to who started the conflict, who keeps it going, and those neighbors in it for a few fireworks. But those féeding the conflict won’t go to the source to talk about it. She’s gone to several other neighbors but never the source. It reminds of the saying that goes something like…”Small people discuss people, especially gossip; average minds talk about events; intelligent people discuss concepts and ideas. I think social media has made it more difficult for people to face positive, constructive conflict resolution skills anymore.
Where do you fit in the conflict management styles?Aggressive, avoidant, passive aggressive and many more as I only named a few.
I am a bit OCD. I have been working out of 6 different journals this year, each with a special theme. The biggest problem with it is that it is taking me away from my blog.
There have, also, been things going on of a personal nature. My significant other moved out of my home about three weeks ago. I am trying to make the most of the situation and work on myself. She has her life and it doesn’t include me right now.
It is really hard to write out a blog and attempt to not complain as much as possible. My partner leaving stings because it is new and painful and leaves me feeling angry and frustrated and hurt on a deep level.
Inspi of everything happening around me, I choose each day I can to keep a gratitude journal again as I work through the book, Simple Abundance (part of why I have some of the many journals.) Some have to do with being a bibliophile and organizing some stuff properly.
Today was my born day. I’m grateful for my messy dysfunctional family some times and today was one of those days.
Sometimes I feel old and sometimes I still feel like a spring chicken. I had a nice birthday hanging out with family. I am grateful to be alive and for all my friends who wished me a very happy day. I am thankful for all of you as you travel along my recovery journey with me.i have a feeling that this year could take us in some awesome new directions. Peace be with you. Wendy
So much is happening lately and I’m finding myself frozen instead of fight or flight. I have shared my health concerns on here. I have been struggling to stay well and then my cousin with cancer passed away who I felt close to and I am struggling to regain my own physical and mental health. Grief is tough. The day I learned she passed away I cried and cried which did not help my health. I missed my childhood and adult friend. There would be no more talks about cancer, depression, a shared career, or a multitude of shared interests. I hated cancer…hers and my own. I felt guilty for still being here even though our course of treatments varied greatly. Every day I think of her and how much I miss her.
Sometimes it is difficult for me to share when things are not easy. I lost my job in August when my eye got infected. There are reasons I don’t talk about it that may I share later if possible. I am at the point of looking for a new job and feeling kinda stuck due to anxiety over not knowing what I want to pursue and fear of failure. In addition, I am suppose to travel out of state for a family gathering which will be the first time in nearly 20 years that we have all been together and I am feeling overwhelmed with going. It is more the idea of traveling than being together with family that is hard.
It is not easy for me to admit that I am feeling overwhelmed on my blog. It is much easier to be encouraging, humorous, educate, and give updates on my physical health but not so much with my mental health. I think it still carries much stigma for social workers and mental health staff to have mental health issues in amongst some of peers. It used to be that we were expected to drop ourselves at the door when we went to work. It is better than that now.
I want to thank all of you for hanging in there with me. I reached 200 followers this past week. You are all awesome. Wishing you a beautiful day.