I am a bit OCD. I have been working out of 6 different journals this year, each with a special theme. The biggest problem with it is that it is taking me away from my blog.
There have, also, been things going on of a personal nature. My significant other moved out of my home about three weeks ago. I am trying to make the most of the situation and work on myself. She has her life and it doesn’t include me right now.
It is really hard to write out a blog and attempt to not complain as much as possible. My partner leaving stings because it is new and painful and leaves me feeling angry and frustrated and hurt on a deep level.
Inspi of everything happening around me, I choose each day I can to keep a gratitude journal again as I work through the book, Simple Abundance (part of why I have some of the many journals.) Some have to do with being a bibliophile and organizing some stuff properly.
Today was my born day. I’m grateful for my messy dysfunctional family some times and today was one of those days.
Sometimes I feel old and sometimes I still feel like a spring chicken. I had a nice birthday hanging out with family. I am grateful to be alive and for all my friends who wished me a very happy day. I am thankful for all of you as you travel along my recovery journey with me.i have a feeling that this year could take us in some awesome new directions. Peace be with you. Wendy
So much is happening lately and I’m finding myself frozen instead of fight or flight. I have shared my health concerns on here. I have been struggling to stay well and then my cousin with cancer passed away who I felt close to and I am struggling to regain my own physical and mental health. Grief is tough. The day I learned she passed away I cried and cried which did not help my health. I missed my childhood and adult friend. There would be no more talks about cancer, depression, a shared career, or a multitude of shared interests. I hated cancer…hers and my own. I felt guilty for still being here even though our course of treatments varied greatly. Every day I think of her and how much I miss her.
Sometimes it is difficult for me to share when things are not easy. I lost my job in August when my eye got infected. There are reasons I don’t talk about it that may I share later if possible. I am at the point of looking for a new job and feeling kinda stuck due to anxiety over not knowing what I want to pursue and fear of failure. In addition, I am suppose to travel out of state for a family gathering which will be the first time in nearly 20 years that we have all been together and I am feeling overwhelmed with going. It is more the idea of traveling than being together with family that is hard.
It is not easy for me to admit that I am feeling overwhelmed on my blog. It is much easier to be encouraging, humorous, educate, and give updates on my physical health but not so much with my mental health. I think it still carries much stigma for social workers and mental health staff to have mental health issues in amongst some of peers. It used to be that we were expected to drop ourselves at the door when we went to work. It is better than that now.
I want to thank all of you for hanging in there with me. I reached 200 followers this past week. You are all awesome. Wishing you a beautiful day.
I have been attempting to keep a structured format to my days since I stopped working in August. I am looking for work and hoping to get a job soon. I have been using my time to clean out my house, declutter and organize out of necessity. It has kept me from getting depression from not working which was impossible to continue for awhile due to my health.
Starting to look at jobs again is a struggle and I am feeling somewhat nervous. I am not sure what I want to do with my career at this point. I am leaving my options open to say the least. I am not sure where I will end up but I can assure you that it will be a good fit.
Things otherwise have been difficult. It has felt like I have had abuse triggers all around for about a month now. I think I have handled the majority of the situations better than usual but it is never easy to be triggered again and again. Our whole house has been put through the ringer and then got whammied by an upper respiratory infection that hangs on forever. I think that the emotional stress was the key to those of us it has hit the hardest.
My eye remains blurry. It is a wait and see healing process right now. Next month I will find out if I need surgery.
So my radical recovery process is do what I can every day and keep plugging away at the rest and stay positive. So far it is working.
Just a quick update on my eye. I can finally see through the cornea ulcer on my left eye well enough to see some things. I have been to the ER six times and seen the eye doctor every day for the last two weeks. This week included a trip to Ann Arbor and University of Michigan to see a specialist regarding the ulcer left on my eye by the infectión I got around 7/4/19. It has impacted my overall health after the loss of sight in one eye for so long. I am overjoyed with gratitude that my sight is slowly returning. To say I have done fine through this process would be a lie. I crashed after my visit to University of Michigan and have lost an a considerable amount of weight by lack of appetite. It is also hard and frustrating to lose your sight so quickly. I find myself losing time and disengaging from others in general especially as the pain increases. After days of putting eye drops for various treatment needs around the clock in my eye, I just want to snooze as long as possible. I am in wonder at the complexity and working of our eyes though. It is amazing all they do. I am grateful for the help that I haved around me since the the 2nd when I first went into the ER to to be seen. My friends, significant other and my significant other’s family has done so much to help that I don’t think I can ever say thank you enough. Al came home tonight after we were finally able to return home yesterday. Ahhhhh.
Thank you for sending your thoughts and prayers my way. Wendy.
This week has been and continues to be a scary one. I have been in the ER four times and had six emergency appts with the opthalmologist since Tuesday. I was originally diagnosed with allergic reaction and this was changed within 24 hours of diagnosis to an aggressive infection in my Left eye. I can no longer see through the ulcer and infection on that eye. It is just one big blur that has remained in intense pain in light or added pressure from bending over, etc. I am putting in eye drops every hour on the hour to attempt to fight the infection. In the words of several opthmalamologists now the matter is serious and my eye sight at risk. The pain is excruciating and because of the opiod crisis the opthalmologist was not willing to prescribe anything. I have finally had enough and am returning to the ER to get pain meds today. I hate the doctors new fear of opiods. Praying that my sight returns in my left eye soon. Much love, Wendy
This week marks the one year anniversary of my blog. I still struggle to balance my time between work, treatment, recovery and rest. The past few months have brought a job change that is less stressful, continued treatment, and continued work towards recovery. This year has been a year of progress in so many ways. It has had some major challenges and set backs at times but my mood is so much more stable, I have been in a stable relationship for nearly a year now, and have a more stable med med regimen. I have also slowly been learning to accept my weight and body shape at whatever weight or shape I am at. I am grateful for so many things.including all of my followers and their support.