Finding balance between my work and personal life feels totally out of whack. Not only is it impacting me but my relationship with my significant other. Last night I brought work home and ended up spending time with a friend who needed my time before my significant other got home. The result was an all nighter in part due to needing to talk some things through with my significant other and spend time with them after a conversation that raised some emotions due to what was probably being overly sensitive on my part. I lost it last night emotionally and felt like running from our relationship for the first time in two months. I felt scared of being judged which is a leftover issue from my perfectionist father. I cried and cried because I felt teased and like I wasn’t measuring up.
Work has been a fiasco with several of my clients in crisis daily that I can’t accomplish anything. Add on top that balancing work and personal life isn’t going well and I am starting to have high levels of anxiety to the point where I was shaking at work today when things fell apart. This scares me. I usually have a John Wayne approach to work and it is not working. I am falling apart internally and questioning again whether or not I can be in relationships with others. I am afraid of being harmful to my significant other due to watching them struggle lately. I wonder if it is possible to do my job and have a healthy relationship. I just want to be happy.
While I feel better able to breathe tonight, I cannot get any sleep which leads me to wonder if maniac isn’t starting to set in due to too many sleepless nights because of the pneumonia. It is the very last thing I need to have happen right now.
I managed to work 11.5 hours yesterday despite feeling crappy. I felt spent afterward.
I just kept plugging away though because I knew it would be seeing my significant other after work for the first time in days and we had plans to go to the local festival last night. We went to enjoy some of the activities and by the time we finished dinner and bsat down we we’re both spent. I was just glad to be with them after a few days apart. Due to my pFSD issues, I don’t handle our time apart very wey well. Hopefully it will be a quiet w3ekemdso I can recuperate.
Things here have been very stressful. My bronchitis turned into pneumonia, work has been impossible the last few days due to being contagious, and misunderstandings in my relationships. I feel alone in everything that is happening and just need to get it out and deal with it. Unfortunately, that is not so easy to do sometimes. I am probably just feeling more stressed than usual due to being sick right now. I just pray that things return to normal and quickly. I have had this upper respiratory thing going on three weeks now. I am really over it already. I feel like it is impacting my work and relationships and I can’t catch a break if I tried right now.
Eating disorders are tough things. Since I went back to work I have still been meeting with the dietician every week. I had been eating without restricting and maintaining my weight loss until I had to be on Prednisone twice in the last two and a half weeks…once for an allergic reaction and once for bronchitis. Then the pounds started pouring on. I keep trying to tell myself that all of the weight gain is due to the steroids but it is not easy to do. I have been cooking meals and getting groceries with my significant other for the last few months and adjusting slowly to the fodmap diet.
We both struggle with weight issues and so have made the commitment to shop, fix and eat healthy foods. we’ve stayed committed to the process of this and support each other. I have to admit that this past week though that I was pretty darn freaked out by the 6 pound weight gain from the Prednisone. I wanted to give in and go back to restricting as soon as I saw the numbers. However, I didn’t and I have continued to make healthy choices and stay away from as many danger foods as possible.
I am grateful to be off the Prednisone . Hopefully my weight will return to normal as soon as possible. I need to start exercising again too. I have a gym membership that needs to be put to use. I may be eating and attempting to get close to the three healthy meals per day that the dietician wants me eating but I still struggle with body image like all get out. Maybe one day.
I have now been dating the same person for six weeks. It remains going well despite the struggle to return to work and balance both home and work life with a job that is both physically and mentally exhausting at times. Sometimes I feel like I fail at balancing both home and work life well and maintaining responsibilities. It is an ongoing challenge that most case managers/social workers face in their jobs. There is simply too much to do and too little time to do it in and it makes it hard to accomplish everything especially when you employment status is salary exempt (meaning that no matter how much work there is to be done you will only be paid 37.5 hours to complete it in whether you work 45-55. We are currently completing lean projects and our work load went up and they are trying to find ways for us to work smarter not harder.
I am still adjusting to being back at work and trying to catch up to speed with my clients while having other workers dump what they didn’t do in my lap that still needs to be completed while adjusting to the next requirements. Trying to juggle this plus several messes that were made of my clients’ situations which have left many of them in crisis since I returned, has not made an easy transition. Add on top that I came down with a case of bronchitis this past week and it was even more challenging. I am still trying to balance meeting my client needs with getting home early so that I can spentd time with my significant other and maintain our relationship. While it is going well, I know that the amount of hours I work has been taking it’s toll on them and that concerns me. So my goal this week was to use my hot spot which allows me to access our agency server and type progress notes as I am with the client. Then today my hot spot was not working. I felt more exasperated than words can speak. We have several deadlines this week due to it being month’s end and I am afraid that I won’t be able to make them and unless my boss can understand that my computer was not working this afternoon I couldn’I have handle going back to work receive a written warning for late paperwork. It is the icing the cake.
Mood wise I have done better than I thought I would in returning to work. I was very hesitant when we came to the point that I had to return to work. But overall it has gone better than I expected it to. I think that mood has been much more stable since I have someone to share my life with and have support from. I feel blessed by their presence in my life and like they bring out the best in me. The qualities of my personality that I often keep hidden I have been much more likely to share. They make me feel like they bring out the best qualities in my personality and character and for that I am a better person since they are in my life. I just need to be able to give equally at home and work and I have never done that before. Old dogs learning new tricks takes a while.
I love music. I lost my ability to sing after being on a ventilator in 2004 but I will still attempt to sing when I am moved to do so. I have benefited from having the ability to have music on my smart phone and take it with me wherever I may go. I am still musically inclined and love to play the piano and will go off and play hymns and worship songs to restore my soul when feel the need for re-centering and peace. I really do not like to play for others though because I learned to play a keyboard with headphones when I was little so as to not bother my father who was like walking on eggshells when you were around him when he came home from work and when we got home from school. Those head phone to that keyboard gave me countless hours of music to play uninterrupted and floating away from reality. I wish I could still sing with the voice I had from pre-ventilator days but that is never going to happen. I am content to carry music in my soul and have it carry me through my days. What song keeps you going? What are some of your favorites? I’d love to hear. This summer I went through a rough patch and listen to the song “Swim” quite a bit to get through the dark, depressive days after my friend committed suicide. There are several others I like as well and have a while mental health recovery playlist on my music account. Please share your favorites in the comments.
Sometimes I think that there’s nothing worse than returning to work after an extended medical leave. The rumor Mill is constantly churning and all the crap that people have been saying about you eventually comes back around to you. The thing that pisses me off though is when it comes back to me through my clients.
The day after I started back to work I had to go on steroids for an allergic reaction to a medication. Bipolar disorder and steroids do not mix. I find myself feeling more paranoid than usual and treading very carefully with most of my co-workers. I’ve caught myself several times obsessing about things I shouldn’t be worried about yet I am. I miss the carefree days from July when I was growing and changing and enjoying life doesn’t the first time in a long time.
I’ve only been back to work one week tomorrow and I already miss those day