Calgon take me away.

*****trigger warning…contains information related to suicide.

My heart is broken after the last 10 days.

I feel worn out. In my personal life I have had three people completed suicides in the last 12 days. The most impacting one occurred for me yesterday morning. I am mostly in a state of shock after all this and wanting to keep another loved one from acting out these temporary solutions to very real problems. Today I spent crying off and on as I hung out with with my besties. So many people are in pain area me that I feel overwhelmed by it. I can’t even use my normal escapes such as reading, crafts, binging watching on Netflix, etc. My family of choice is wandering aimlessly and my family of origin is falling apart at the seams right now. How do I remove the pain from those around me to lessen the burden they carry now too. Sigh…so tired n related to suicide. Wendy

Sigh. “Please don’t dump your trash can in my trash can. My trash cans full!

My trash can

This quotes on my header to this post are actually lyrics to a kid’s song sung in rounds. The song is called “One bottle of pop…” The fourth or fifth verse goes “Don’t put your trash in my trash can, my trash can. Don’t put your trash in my trash can my trash can’s full”. I sang this song as a little girl at the age of 8 or 9 at camp in the summers. I never thought I would find myself singing it to myself when I hear other people’s drama going on around me in my personal life. I don’t like go around singing this on the top of my lungs but there are days when it is reminding me to set healthy boundaries with some unhealthy people in my life.                         

I have had a difficult month getting my mood straightened back out after steroids. My sleep cycle is a total mess. I sléep when I should be awake and am awake when I should be asleep. I’ve had a few times when my mouth has started to swell up again and then stopped. So I am really allergic to something.

I lost my doctor due not getting any sleep and how the new MA interpreted my extreme quietness from not sleeping before a medical appointment earlier in the the month. I am amazed by human conflict and mostly the lack of it because people are afraid something bad will happen if they talk their conflicts through. This MA thought things about me that I would never do never do or say but she didn’t know me either. All because she assumed many things and knew nothing about my mental health.

There is a conflict in the neighborhood I live in about smoking. I feel like Switzerland in this conflict because I am so sick of the drama it is causing. But I watch and listen to who started the conflict, who keeps it going, and those neighbors in it for a few fireworks. But those féeding the conflict won’t go to the source to talk about it. She’s gone to several other neighbors but never the source. It reminds of the saying that goes something like…”Small people discuss people, especially gossip; average minds talk about events; intelligent  people discuss concepts and ideas. I think social media has made it more difficult for people to face positive, constructive conflict resolution skills anymore.

Where do you fit in the conflict management styles?Aggressive, avoidant, passive aggressive and many more as I only named a few.

Thinking of you, Wendy

Crazy organized

I am a bit OCD. I have been working out of 6 different journals this year, each with a special theme. The biggest problem with it is that it is taking me away from my blog.

There have, also, been things going on of a personal nature. My significant other moved out of my home about three weeks ago. I am trying to make the most of the situation and work on myself. She has her life and it doesn’t include me right now.

It is really hard to write out a blog and attempt to not complain as much as possible. My partner leaving stings because it is new and painful and leaves me feeling angry and frustrated and hurt on a deep level.

Inspi of everything happening around me, I choose each day I can to keep a gratitude journal again as I work through the book, Simple Abundance (part of why I have some of the many journals.) Some have to do with being a bibliophile and organizing some stuff properly.

Today was my born day. I’m grateful for my messy dysfunctional family some times and today was one of those days.

Sometimes I feel old and sometimes I still feel like a spring chicken. I had a nice birthday hanging out with family. I am grateful to be alive and for all my friends who wished me a very happy day. I am thankful for all of you as you travel along my recovery journey with me.i have a feeling that this year could take us in some awesome new directions.  Peace be with you. Wendy

Homebound

Homebound due to low wbc count. Going a bit stir crazy. There is only so much journalling, reading, and watching Netflix one can do. Started on some long order due organizing and decluttering tasks today so I could possibly paint or do some crafts tomorrow such as quilting if I should feel up to it. The doctor doesn’t know why my wbc count dropped so low. More tests scheduled for next week. It is hard to be home and dependent on others for trips to get groceries, etc. Being alone is difficult- I miss socializing with friends and others at support groups, etc. My friends have been good about visiting but one came down ill today who was scheduled to visit. I try to connect through social media and phone calls but it doesn’t replace the real thing. I am grateful to have the company of Al (my dog) though yesterday he was sick and I ran out of paper towels to clean up his messes. luckily a special friend made an extra trip over with paper towels and some special food to see if he would recuperate. Today he seems on the mend and more lively and playful again. Ive been keeping a gratitude journal since January started as I work through the book Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach. It helps me keep my thinking positive and thankful for all I have. I am very grateful to be home versus stuck in the hospital as this has now gone on for 3 weeks. I know I might have to go to the hospital eventually but am grateful that it hasn’t been this entire time. I am, also, thankful things have been relatively stable in terms of how bad things could have been with my health. I may be looking at a blood transfusion to stabilize my wbc count but Im told that if i can handle it okay, i will get to go home soon after it is done. So for now I will choose to keep busy and focus on what i have to be grateful for and try to stay positive. i wish you all a blessed day. Wendy

Resolutions of 2020

It’s been a few weeks but I have been working on my resolutions almost on a daily basis. Usually I am dilligent and write my goals out in my journal. This year I spent more preparing for my goals than writing them down. Because of being laid up I am doing a massive reading goal and have already finished 5 books since the beginning of January. I am , also, working on jump starting my recovery steps again by working through Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach. i plan on working out more physically when possible. Right now, I am still working with lymphoma. I am grateful for many things and am keeping a journal daily and including 5 things I am grateful for each day before I go to bed. Last but not least I plan on working the 12 steps this year. so many things ahead.

New Year in motion

We are now almost a month into 2020. Many of us made many resolutions. How are they going for you? This is about the time that we either start to become more disciplined in our routines regarding our resolutions or we become discouraged about our progress towards goals for 2020. You might be wondering how it is that I know this this. Well, I know it takes a minimum of 21 days to start a new habit. I, also, know that people who aren’t consistent with keeping up with the new habit or routine will start to engage in negative self talk when they fail to succeed in the latest attempt to rein in on one or more areas of their life.

if new years resolutions were so easy to keep all of of would be making them again and again. i usually set a page of goals for a New Year and this year varied little from years past. i wanted to work towards change and growth this year. i felt ready. Did you set New years resolutions this year?! if so what were they? are you sticking to them? why or why not? Did you set several or one main goal? Did you have support or were you doing it alone? If your resolution is very important to you i challenge you not to give up. share your story. be encouraged and start again. in the words of Winston Churchill…never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never give up.

Love Wendy

Structure and lack there of.

I have been attempting to keep a structured format to my days since I stopped working in August. I am looking for work and hoping to get a job soon. I have been using my time to clean out my house, declutter and organize out of necessity. It has kept me from getting depression from not working which was impossible to continue for awhile due to my health.

Starting to look at jobs again is a struggle and I am feeling somewhat nervous. I am not sure what I want to do with my career at this point. I am leaving my options open to say the least. I am not sure where I will end up but I can assure you that it will be a good fit.

Things otherwise have been difficult. It has felt like I have had abuse triggers all around for about a month now. I think I have handled the majority of the situations better than usual but it is never easy to be triggered again and again. Our whole house has been put through the ringer and then got whammied by an upper respiratory infection that hangs on forever. I think that the emotional stress was the key to those of us it has hit the hardest.

My eye remains blurry. It is a wait and see healing process right now. Next month I will find out if I need surgery.

So my radical recovery process is do what I can every day and keep plugging away at the rest and stay positive. So far it is working.

Peace to you all.

Love Wendy 🧡🌼🐢

One year anniversary

This week marks the one year anniversary of my blog. I still struggle to balance my time between work, treatment, recovery and rest. The past few months have brought a job change that is less stressful, continued treatment, and continued work towards recovery. This year has been a year of progress in so many ways. It has had some major challenges and set backs at times but my mood is so much more stable, I have been in a stable relationship for nearly a year now, and have a more stable med med regimen. I have also slowly been learning to accept my weight and body shape at whatever weight or shape I am at. I am grateful for so many things.including all of my followers and their support.

Thank you for a memorable first year.

🧡🌼🐢Wendy

Radical recovery

Being my rather OCD self, I went to the library in my hometown to look for the most recommended books on habits yesterday. Once I set my mind to something I become pretty determined to accomplish it. One specific book, recommends focusing on one task at a time to change. Right now I have about 30 times that on my list. I went to the dietician today for the first time in months to talk about goals. I had a list of seven when I walked in the door to meet with her and was able to explain each one and the reason behind them. They are prioritized so I know which ones are the most important to focus on and there are some that are simple like making phones calls or completing labs. The dietician didn’t seem to think I had lost all my marbles but a few of them were rolling through the Kerplunk game a little faster than normal this week.

I have spent some time time contemplating the one vs multiple changes occurring at the same time the last 24 hours. I am left with “radical recovery.” I think of several people who I know who made the decision to finally get clean or sober and did 90 meetings in 90 days and basically overhauled their lives to maintain their sobriety. When I think about making changes to my life, that is what comes to mind. Most people in mental health recovery don’t have the type of support offered by AA or NA meetings. The closest thing we have here is a Depression Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA) meeting once a week for people with mood disorders and their supports. I do have supports in my life who would support me if I shared I was making major overhaul changes though. Probably more than I realize.

In order to make multiple changes at once and be successful I have created a list of things that needs to be a priority or commitment to eventually succeed because I am not delusional. I realize I may fail at some, hopefully succeed at some and make progress at other goals.

Change toolbox for success

  • Make health and exercise a priority
  • Persistence and perseverance
  • Not afraid to fail
  • Gratitude
  • Prioritize
  • Take full responsibility for my life
  • Create my own morning routine
  • Self-awareness
  • Goal-oriented
  • Have a support system
  • Takes initiative
  • Proactive
  • Self-awareness
  • Surround yourself with like minded people
  • Communicate clearly
  • Good listening skills
  • Value alone time
  • Consistency
  • Discipline and self control
  • Follow through with what you say (no excuses, only results)

Love the journey more than the results.

I know I might be dreaming but I made the choice to change some key things in my life pretty radically and the only way to be successful is to follow this list.

W.L.

The process of progess

I have been struggling with depression still and re-evaluating my goals and self discipline that are needed for me to achieve and accomplish my goals. In light of recent events I have been trying to decide what my values are at this point. It seems like a daunting task on some days.

Re-defining yourself in the wake of what could be a terminal illness is scary. Old goals seem obsolete and unimportant. Working for money’s sake does not seem to be such a priority. Wanting to spend time with loved ones and be in the best possible health does. Spending time doing a meaningful career seems much more important. Spending time doing things I love feels more valuable than time fillers like watching TV. Getting rid of clutter is essential. Doing my bucket list more pressing than before.

I don’t know if I have shared that I have taken care of others for most of my teen and adult life. I am feeling like I’m kind of over it right now. I need to take care of me and frankly I don’t think I have been doing well at it. Harsh reality check.

So you will hear me blogging on self discipline and change and goals for at least a month ( it takes 21 days at least to start a new habit.) There will be word art (I have a new app on my phone and a new printer), regular art, goal setting for short and long term projects and other happening things.

Take a trip with me and see where we go. I may face the world jobless this week but I am trying to believe that may not be a bad thing.

Be blessed on your own journey’s my friends.

W.L