I am a bit OCD. I have been working out of 6 different journals this year, each with a special theme. The biggest problem with it is that it is taking me away from my blog.
There have, also, been things going on of a personal nature. My significant other moved out of my home about three weeks ago. I am trying to make the most of the situation and work on myself. She has her life and it doesn’t include me right now.
It is really hard to write out a blog and attempt to not complain as much as possible. My partner leaving stings because it is new and painful and leaves me feeling angry and frustrated and hurt on a deep level.
Inspi of everything happening around me, I choose each day I can to keep a gratitude journal again as I work through the book, Simple Abundance (part of why I have some of the many journals.) Some have to do with being a bibliophile and organizing some stuff properly.
Today was my born day. I’m grateful for my messy dysfunctional family some times and today was one of those days.
Sometimes I feel old and sometimes I still feel like a spring chicken. I had a nice birthday hanging out with family. I am grateful to be alive and for all my friends who wished me a very happy day. I am thankful for all of you as you travel along my recovery journey with me.i have a feeling that this year could take us in some awesome new directions. Peace be with you. Wendy
I have been attempting to keep a structured format to my days since I stopped working in August. I am looking for work and hoping to get a job soon. I have been using my time to clean out my house, declutter and organize out of necessity. It has kept me from getting depression from not working which was impossible to continue for awhile due to my health.
Starting to look at jobs again is a struggle and I am feeling somewhat nervous. I am not sure what I want to do with my career at this point. I am leaving my options open to say the least. I am not sure where I will end up but I can assure you that it will be a good fit.
Things otherwise have been difficult. It has felt like I have had abuse triggers all around for about a month now. I think I have handled the majority of the situations better than usual but it is never easy to be triggered again and again. Our whole house has been put through the ringer and then got whammied by an upper respiratory infection that hangs on forever. I think that the emotional stress was the key to those of us it has hit the hardest.
My eye remains blurry. It is a wait and see healing process right now. Next month I will find out if I need surgery.
So my radical recovery process is do what I can every day and keep plugging away at the rest and stay positive. So far it is working.
This week marks the one year anniversary of my blog. I still struggle to balance my time between work, treatment, recovery and rest. The past few months have brought a job change that is less stressful, continued treatment, and continued work towards recovery. This year has been a year of progress in so many ways. It has had some major challenges and set backs at times but my mood is so much more stable, I have been in a stable relationship for nearly a year now, and have a more stable med med regimen. I have also slowly been learning to accept my weight and body shape at whatever weight or shape I am at. I am grateful for so many things.including all of my followers and their support.
Being my rather OCD self, I went to the library in my hometown to look for the most recommended books on habits yesterday. Once I set my mind to something I become pretty determined to accomplish it. One specific book, recommends focusing on one task at a time to change. Right now I have about 30 times that on my list. I went to the dietician today for the first time in months to talk about goals. I had a list of seven when I walked in the door to meet with her and was able to explain each one and the reason behind them. They are prioritized so I know which ones are the most important to focus on and there are some that are simple like making phones calls or completing labs. The dietician didn’t seem to think I had lost all my marbles but a few of them were rolling through the Kerplunk game a little faster than normal this week.
I have spent some time time contemplating the one vs multiple changes occurring at the same time the last 24 hours. I am left with “radical recovery.” I think of several people who I know who made the decision to finally get clean or sober and did 90 meetings in 90 days and basically overhauled their lives to maintain their sobriety. When I think about making changes to my life, that is what comes to mind. Most people in mental health recovery don’t have the type of support offered by AA or NA meetings. The closest thing we have here is a Depression Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA) meeting once a week for people with mood disorders and their supports. I do have supports in my life who would support me if I shared I was making major overhaul changes though. Probably more than I realize.
In order to make multiple changes at once and be successful I have created a list of things that needs to be a priority or commitment to eventually succeed because I am not delusional. I realize I may fail at some, hopefully succeed at some and make progress at other goals.
Change toolbox for success
Make health and exercise a priority
Persistence and perseverance
Not afraid to fail
Take full responsibility for my life
Create my own morning routine
Have a support system
Surround yourself with like minded people
Good listening skills
Value alone time
Discipline and self control
Follow through with what you say (no excuses, only results)
Love the journey more than the results.
I know I might be dreaming but I made the choice to change some key things in my life pretty radically and the only way to be successful is to follow this list.
I have been struggling with depression still and re-evaluating my goals and self discipline that are needed for me to achieve and accomplish my goals. In light of recent events I have been trying to decide what my values are at this point. It seems like a daunting task on some days.
Re-defining yourself in the wake of what could be a terminal illness is scary. Old goals seem obsolete and unimportant. Working for money’s sake does not seem to be such a priority. Wanting to spend time with loved ones and be in the best possible health does. Spending time doing a meaningful career seems much more important. Spending time doing things I love feels more valuable than time fillers like watching TV. Getting rid of clutter is essential. Doing my bucket list more pressing than before.
I don’t know if I have shared that I have taken care of others for most of my teen and adult life. I am feeling like I’m kind of over it right now. I need to take care of me and frankly I don’t think I have been doing well at it. Harsh reality check.
So you will hear me blogging on self discipline and change and goals for at least a month ( it takes 21 days at least to start a new habit.) There will be word art (I have a new app on my phone and a new printer), regular art, goal setting for short and long term projects and other happening things.
Take a trip with me and see where we go. I may face the world jobless this week but I am trying to believe that may not be a bad thing.
Well, I have to have a release to work to return to work. I couldn’t go in anyway because I still have a stupid fever which keeps spiking up high and then will go back down to a low grade fever. It wouldn’t be too bad, but my leg hurts really bad today. It has been the most painful process of the last four to five months. So not fired yet. My mood is better today. I, also, chose to reinitiate the larger dose of my antidepressant for now. I can try again in the summer if I want when we have good weather and I can get out and exercise every day.
So, for now I am waiting on my doctors office to call me back and speak to me about how cruddy this undulating fever is as well as the pain.
Tonight I revisited the basis and foundation upon which I built my blog last summer
HOPE. I have a booklet started with quotations to encourage, song lyrics to keep me afloat when those waves of despair and discouragement come bulldozing down the mood disorder synapses. My antidepressant, a SSRI, had been pretty good at keeping the major mood shifts at Bay when added to the cocktail of meds I take. I am guilty of losing that focus when the cancer diagnosis came. I feel like the day I found out was too soon after my depressive episode to put hope back in my life.
I realized, very humbly and apologetically, I in losing that focus have complained a lot and gotten my blog very far away from what I intended it to be. I, in many ways, had resigned myself to accept that life was probably as good as what it was going to get. I was content trying to manage the pain versus kicking Cancer’s ass out of my immune system. Especially since Christmas, I have been very passive about my approach to everything to do with cancer. Every battle has been harder and I may lose my job tomorrow because I lost my umph and passion there as well. Losing your hope and belief in the future is a pretty scary place to find yourself.
Today, I, (now actually yesterday but I haven’t slept yet), surrounded myself by H.o.p.e. quotes and songs like Swim by Jack’s Mannequin. My goal was to simply make it through til Friday without acting on any impulsive suicidal ideation, especially if I lost my job, health insurance, etc. I had a near fatal overdose in my past during this week as well as lost my mother on that same date and this week has historically been an emotional anniversary date for me to cope with. Now I face possible termination from my job, loss of my health and what feels like a million little losses along the way. I may lose my job today and my health insurance but I will still be here hanging on because the pain at least emotionally will end. I pray the physical pain does too.
“Even rebellions were built on hope.”
Take care my readers. I am needing to sleep for awhile. I am safe. I hope you are as well.