Celebrating 100+

Thank you all so much. I now have over 100 followers on my blog. I couldn’t have done this without you!!!!

You inspire me to keep going and sharing even when things are difficult. I appreciate your feedback and support and kind words of encouragement.

Thanks for helping me making this milestone happen.

W.L.

Tonight’s quote

“You are worth more than your darkness.”

I am using the above quote to remind myself that I have more to offer life than my level of depression. So often when we get depressed we feel paralyzed by it and stop moving which in turn leaves us feeling helpless and hopeless. I need to push past these feelings as best as I can to try to shake off the depressive funk I am in or to see if I am having a paradoxical reaction to the Prozac which the psychiatrist gave me to life my mood and help with OCD symptoms. Before I started the Prozac I was obsessively ruminating on certain thoughts and issues continuously and never relaxing. Since starting the Prozac I have been able to let some to most of the obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors go. This in turn has allowed me to relax enough to, according to my therapist to feel the level of depression that I have had all along but was masked by the severity of the OCD symptoms. Feeling as depressed as I have this week has been scary for me to admit to anyone especially when you were just given a med to help relieve it. I have three more days on this new dose for it to improve or the doctor said she will discontinue it if it is worse or not better.

It is so hard when we fall into the abyss of depression to remember that you have more to offer than the darkness around you because that is all you feel. I have to work hard to remember the qualities and talents and skills that I have to offer when I get down this low. It is hard for me to even recognize them at times when struggling. But the truth is I am a good clinician, caring and compassionate, loving, kind and loyal. I usually work hard to get my work done and make sure it’s done right the first time. I’m smart with a sense of humor that most of close friends get to see. I am determined to work despite several set backs both physically and emotionally. I have survived 100 o/o of my worst days and there have been some pretty crappy ones along the way. So despite my feelings, I am doing better than I thought.

W.L.

Picking up the pieces

I gave in and cancelled as many of my commitments as I could today before I reached a total and complete meltdown. I was terrified of doing that and the consequences but I was no space to handle anyone else’s issues let alone attempt to manage my own this morning. Sometimes saying I can’t is a strength rather than a sign of weakness.

This was the best choice for me today. I needed a stained glass kind of day where I picked up the broken pieces to put some semblance of order back into my life. I had my significant other come over at 5 a.m. this morning to be with me as I was starting to fall apart and have a complete and total meltdown. I only kept my appointment with my therapist for this afternoon. I figured it was necessary at this point. Tried taking a nap and even took meds to calm down to facilitate this and I am still wife awake but the feelings of panic and depression have subsided some since I did. I’m grateful my partner came here after arriving home late last night. I think it was good for me not to be alone and have the extra support. I needed it and was heading into dire straits in terms of both my physical and emotional health. I cannot say enough about good self care…eating, drinking water, getting sleep, taking meds consistently, and not bottling up problems. I forgot some of these this week and paid dearly yesterday and today for it. When life is feeling like it is reaching a breaking point, remember to step back, sweep up the pieces and create stained glass my friends. There is only one you.

Another sleepless night

While I feel better able to breathe tonight, I cannot get any sleep which leads me to wonder if maniac isn’t starting to set in due to too many sleepless nights because of the pneumonia. It is the very last thing I need to have happen right now.

I managed to work 11.5 hours yesterday despite feeling crappy. I felt spent afterward.

I just kept plugging away though because I knew it would be seeing my significant other after work for the first time in days and we had plans to go to the local festival last night. We went to enjoy some of the activities and by the time we finished dinner and bsat down we we’re both spent. I was just glad to be with them after a few days apart. Due to my pFSD issues, I don’t handle our time apart very wey well. Hopefully it will be a quiet w3ekemdso I can recuperate.

W.L

Struggling

Things here have been very stressful. My bronchitis turned into pneumonia, work has been impossible the last few days due to being contagious, and misunderstandings in my relationships. I feel alone in everything that is happening and just need to get it out and deal with it. Unfortunately, that is not so easy to do sometimes. I am probably just feeling more stressed than usual due to being sick right now. I just pray that things return to normal and quickly. I have had this upper respiratory thing going on three weeks now. I am really over it already. I feel like it is impacting my work and relationships and I can’t catch a break if I tried right now.

Balancing relationship and work life

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I have now been dating the same person for six weeks.  It remains going well despite the struggle to return to work and balance both home and work life with a job that is both physically and mentally exhausting at times.  Sometimes I feel like I fail at balancing both home and work life well and maintaining responsibilities.  It is an ongoing challenge that most case managers/social workers face in their jobs.  There is simply too much to do and too little time to do it in and it makes it hard to accomplish everything especially when you employment status is salary exempt (meaning that no matter how much work there is to be done you will only be paid 37.5 hours to complete it in whether you work 45-55.  We are currently completing lean projects and our work load went up and they are trying to find ways for us to work smarter not harder.

I am still adjusting to being back at work and trying to catch up to speed with my clients while having other workers dump what they didn’t do in my lap that still needs to be completed while adjusting to the next requirements.  Trying to juggle this plus several messes that were made of my clients’ situations which have left many of them in crisis since I returned, has not made an easy transition.  Add on top that I came down with a case of bronchitis this past week and it was even more challenging.  I am still trying to balance meeting my client needs with getting home early so that I can spentd time with my significant other and maintain our relationship.  While it is going well, I know that the amount of hours I work has been taking it’s toll on them and that concerns me.  So my goal this week was to use my hot spot which allows me to access our agency server and type progress notes as I am with the client.  Then today my hot spot was not working.  I felt more exasperated than words can speak.  We have several deadlines this week due to it being month’s end and I am afraid that I won’t be able to make them and unless my boss can understand that my computer was not working this afternoon I couldn’I have handle going back to work receive a written warning for late paperwork. It is the icing the cake.

Mood wise I have done better than I thought I would in returning to work.  I was very hesitant when we came to the point that I had to return to work.  But overall it has gone better than I expected it to.  I think that mood has been much more stable since I have someone to share my life with and have support from.  I feel blessed by their presence in my life and like they bring out the best in me.  The qualities of my personality that I often keep hidden I have been much more likely to share.  They make me feel like they bring out the best qualities in my personality and character and for that I am a better person since they are in my life.  I just need to be able to give equally at home and work and I have never done that before. Old dogs learning new tricks takes a while.

-Wendy

 

Confusion, Conflict and Inner Turmoil

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I have been adjusting to being back at work and then I came down with bronchitis this past weekend.  I feel like I am struggling to maintain my weight and I have been lax about what I eat and not exercising and the result for a while was I was maintaining or able to continue to lose weight but now that I am sick and needing steroids to stay well enough to work this week until I get my IVIG treatment I will probably gain weight and that scares the crap out of me.  I got on the scale tonight (stupid time to get on a scale) and I weighed more than I have for nearly three months.  I feel freaked out.  Panic is setting in and I am doing everything possible to try and not overreact.  My partner and I have been cooking healthy meals together but I still find myself struggling within about this.

Today I saw the dietician and talked with her about how hard the conflict was getting lately.  The doctor made sure that I would take my lunch hour when I went back to work.  Last week I didn’t eat lunch at all. I find myself wanting to go back on the strict diet I had before when I knew I was losing weight and didn’t have to worry about what the scale was going to say every week.

I am in tears as I write this.  Tears that I have been holding in for the last couple of weeks.  If you have never had an eating disorder, than it is near impossible to understand the struggle and inner conflict that goes on with it.  Every mirror feels like an enemy and you never quite know how to take someone saying “You look like you have lost weight.”  My co-workers said when I came back to work earlier this month to me just that but added that I shouldn’t lose too much.  I’ve been trying to find balance and it tonight it feels far, far away.

Maybe it is just the Prednisone that they gave me to treat my bronchitis but it feels like so much more and has for a while.

-Wendy