Struggling

Things here have been very stressful. My bronchitis turned into pneumonia, work has been impossible the last few days due to being contagious, and misunderstandings in my relationships. I feel alone in everything that is happening and just need to get it out and deal with it. Unfortunately, that is not so easy to do sometimes. I am probably just feeling more stressed than usual due to being sick right now. I just pray that things return to normal and quickly. I have had this upper respiratory thing going on three weeks now. I am really over it already. I feel like it is impacting my work and relationships and I can’t catch a break if I tried right now.

Balancing relationship and work life

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I have now been dating the same person for six weeks.  It remains going well despite the struggle to return to work and balance both home and work life with a job that is both physically and mentally exhausting at times.  Sometimes I feel like I fail at balancing both home and work life well and maintaining responsibilities.  It is an ongoing challenge that most case managers/social workers face in their jobs.  There is simply too much to do and too little time to do it in and it makes it hard to accomplish everything especially when you employment status is salary exempt (meaning that no matter how much work there is to be done you will only be paid 37.5 hours to complete it in whether you work 45-55.  We are currently completing lean projects and our work load went up and they are trying to find ways for us to work smarter not harder.

I am still adjusting to being back at work and trying to catch up to speed with my clients while having other workers dump what they didn’t do in my lap that still needs to be completed while adjusting to the next requirements.  Trying to juggle this plus several messes that were made of my clients’ situations which have left many of them in crisis since I returned, has not made an easy transition.  Add on top that I came down with a case of bronchitis this past week and it was even more challenging.  I am still trying to balance meeting my client needs with getting home early so that I can spentd time with my significant other and maintain our relationship.  While it is going well, I know that the amount of hours I work has been taking it’s toll on them and that concerns me.  So my goal this week was to use my hot spot which allows me to access our agency server and type progress notes as I am with the client.  Then today my hot spot was not working.  I felt more exasperated than words can speak.  We have several deadlines this week due to it being month’s end and I am afraid that I won’t be able to make them and unless my boss can understand that my computer was not working this afternoon I couldn’I have handle going back to work receive a written warning for late paperwork. It is the icing the cake.

Mood wise I have done better than I thought I would in returning to work.  I was very hesitant when we came to the point that I had to return to work.  But overall it has gone better than I expected it to.  I think that mood has been much more stable since I have someone to share my life with and have support from.  I feel blessed by their presence in my life and like they bring out the best in me.  The qualities of my personality that I often keep hidden I have been much more likely to share.  They make me feel like they bring out the best qualities in my personality and character and for that I am a better person since they are in my life.  I just need to be able to give equally at home and work and I have never done that before. Old dogs learning new tricks takes a while.

-Wendy

 

Confusion, Conflict and Inner Turmoil

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I have been adjusting to being back at work and then I came down with bronchitis this past weekend.  I feel like I am struggling to maintain my weight and I have been lax about what I eat and not exercising and the result for a while was I was maintaining or able to continue to lose weight but now that I am sick and needing steroids to stay well enough to work this week until I get my IVIG treatment I will probably gain weight and that scares the crap out of me.  I got on the scale tonight (stupid time to get on a scale) and I weighed more than I have for nearly three months.  I feel freaked out.  Panic is setting in and I am doing everything possible to try and not overreact.  My partner and I have been cooking healthy meals together but I still find myself struggling within about this.

Today I saw the dietician and talked with her about how hard the conflict was getting lately.  The doctor made sure that I would take my lunch hour when I went back to work.  Last week I didn’t eat lunch at all. I find myself wanting to go back on the strict diet I had before when I knew I was losing weight and didn’t have to worry about what the scale was going to say every week.

I am in tears as I write this.  Tears that I have been holding in for the last couple of weeks.  If you have never had an eating disorder, than it is near impossible to understand the struggle and inner conflict that goes on with it.  Every mirror feels like an enemy and you never quite know how to take someone saying “You look like you have lost weight.”  My co-workers said when I came back to work earlier this month to me just that but added that I shouldn’t lose too much.  I’ve been trying to find balance and it tonight it feels far, far away.

Maybe it is just the Prednisone that they gave me to treat my bronchitis but it feels like so much more and has for a while.

-Wendy

Back to work

Headed back to work after being on medical leave for several months. Nervous and anxious about returning to work. Grateful to be able to see my clients again.

Medically, feeling slightly more stable and hoping for the best. A little bit worried that my health is not strong enough to handle the stress of my job yet. Still a lot of medical issues going on that need to be addressed.

My eating disorder is starting to stabilize as I have been eating more but still losing weight slowly with the change in eating habits. I have been eating healthier since starting my new relationship in July.

I’ve been spending my free time with my significant other knowing that I would have to head back to work soon it has been a process of learning a lot about myself and how I handle relationships. Some good and some challenges.

I’m more real than I have ever been before though. I am learning about challenges and coping together currently something I never even considered in the past. Progress I guess.

W.L

FODMAP diet

When I saw the dietician on Monday we discussed the possibility that I could be sensitive to what are known as foods high in fructan. Today I will be seeing the gastroenterologist to discuss this with him as my stomach and digestive system has not been happy for quite some time.

I just pray that the gastroenterologist is open and receptive to listening since he doesn’t seem to grasp the impact my CVID has my digestive system. I hoping that we can have a decent conversation today.

The FODMAP diet is even more restrictive than the gluten free diet so it could be very interesting.

W.L

Swedish Proverbs 1.7

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There is something about people coming together in our illnesses or disabilities to empower each other on towards a common goal.  We both manage to overcome an obstacle or make progress in our recovery process.   It reminds of the saying if we take the “I” from illness and change it to a “we” it turns into “wellness.”  Isolation is never a good thing for those in recovery from anything.  Thankfully we have the opportunity to be involved in a large network of support groups whether in our communities or via the internet…we are no longer alone.

Two weeks

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Today marks the 2nd week that I have been blogging.  People in my life are commenting that it seems to be having a positive impact. I have surprised myself in how open I have been able to be about things I would never talk about with most people in real life… like my eating disorder, my PTSD issues, and some my issues related my mood disorder.

I have, also, shared more of my faith on here than I usually share with others.  I have been wounded pretty badly by the religious community and am just starting to allow some of those wounds to heal. Every times I share something to do with faith though it is a stretch for me in vulnerability.  It allows people into another part of me that’s been pretty closed off to most others for the last 14 to 15 years.

Thank you for being part of my journey as I start to blog and experiment with finding my voice along my path to recovery.

W.L.