September is suicide prevention month. As someone who has struggled with suicidal ideation and nearly died from a suicide attempt and lost numerous friends and clients to suicide this month means a little bit more to me than most people. Tonight at a DBSA meeting I heard someone minimize suicidal ideation. It kind of made me furious. I believe (totally my perception) that anyone thinking about suicide is capable of doing it and needs help. It may be a cry for help but better a heard cry for help than an ignored one. If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts and wanting to die I hope and pray that you will reach out to someone who you can trust. It takes a huge deal of courage to do this but it may prevent a permanent solution to a short term problem. Don’t get me wrong… I think that living with depression and mood disorders are very painful experiences that take huge tolls on people’s lives. But I also believe in hope, recovery and the process of change. While I still suffer from dark times in the abyss, I can also experience joy and laughter and love now. Don’t give up hope if you are suffering from suicidal ideation. This too shall pass.
While I feel better able to breathe tonight, I cannot get any sleep which leads me to wonder if maniac isn’t starting to set in due to too many sleepless nights because of the pneumonia. It is the very last thing I need to have happen right now.
I managed to work 11.5 hours yesterday despite feeling crappy. I felt spent afterward.
I just kept plugging away though because I knew it would be seeing my significant other after work for the first time in days and we had plans to go to the local festival last night. We went to enjoy some of the activities and by the time we finished dinner and bsat down we we’re both spent. I was just glad to be with them after a few days apart. Due to my pFSD issues, I don’t handle our time apart very wey well. Hopefully it will be a quiet w3ekemdso I can recuperate.
Can’t sleep. Plagued by stinking thinking and endless coughing fits. Trying to think about working tomorrow for at least a while. I have paperwork that needs to be turned in. I have been trying not to get in a funk that I can’t get out of. But I know that this pneumonia thing scares the crap out of me. I hate fear. It makes my mind go places that are not okay to visit. I feel alone. I had been feeling like I was doing better and now that makes me feel like maybe that was just an illusion.
I feel like I have made so many mistakes lately. I miss keeping up my blog but haven’t had the time to balance my work schedule, commute, relationship, and little bit of me time that I get while fighting to stay well the last three weeks. I am horrible at technology and it takes me forever to write a post. I miss interacting with my readers and other bloggers. Somehow I have to find more balance in my life for everything I love.
Things here have been very stressful. My bronchitis turned into pneumonia, work has been impossible the last few days due to being contagious, and misunderstandings in my relationships. I feel alone in everything that is happening and just need to get it out and deal with it. Unfortunately, that is not so easy to do sometimes. I am probably just feeling more stressed than usual due to being sick right now. I just pray that things return to normal and quickly. I have had this upper respiratory thing going on three weeks now. I am really over it already. I feel like it is impacting my work and relationships and I can’t catch a break if I tried right now.
I have now been dating the same person for six weeks. It remains going well despite the struggle to return to work and balance both home and work life with a job that is both physically and mentally exhausting at times. Sometimes I feel like I fail at balancing both home and work life well and maintaining responsibilities. It is an ongoing challenge that most case managers/social workers face in their jobs. There is simply too much to do and too little time to do it in and it makes it hard to accomplish everything especially when you employment status is salary exempt (meaning that no matter how much work there is to be done you will only be paid 37.5 hours to complete it in whether you work 45-55. We are currently completing lean projects and our work load went up and they are trying to find ways for us to work smarter not harder.
I am still adjusting to being back at work and trying to catch up to speed with my clients while having other workers dump what they didn’t do in my lap that still needs to be completed while adjusting to the next requirements. Trying to juggle this plus several messes that were made of my clients’ situations which have left many of them in crisis since I returned, has not made an easy transition. Add on top that I came down with a case of bronchitis this past week and it was even more challenging. I am still trying to balance meeting my client needs with getting home early so that I can spentd time with my significant other and maintain our relationship. While it is going well, I know that the amount of hours I work has been taking it’s toll on them and that concerns me. So my goal this week was to use my hot spot which allows me to access our agency server and type progress notes as I am with the client. Then today my hot spot was not working. I felt more exasperated than words can speak. We have several deadlines this week due to it being month’s end and I am afraid that I won’t be able to make them and unless my boss can understand that my computer was not working this afternoon I couldn’I have handle going back to work receive a written warning for late paperwork. It is the icing the cake.
Mood wise I have done better than I thought I would in returning to work. I was very hesitant when we came to the point that I had to return to work. But overall it has gone better than I expected it to. I think that mood has been much more stable since I have someone to share my life with and have support from. I feel blessed by their presence in my life and like they bring out the best in me. The qualities of my personality that I often keep hidden I have been much more likely to share. They make me feel like they bring out the best qualities in my personality and character and for that I am a better person since they are in my life. I just need to be able to give equally at home and work and I have never done that before. Old dogs learning new tricks takes a while.
I love music. I lost my ability to sing after being on a ventilator in 2004 but I will still attempt to sing when I am moved to do so. I have benefited from having the ability to have music on my smart phone and take it with me wherever I may go. I am still musically inclined and love to play the piano and will go off and play hymns and worship songs to restore my soul when feel the need for re-centering and peace. I really do not like to play for others though because I learned to play a keyboard with headphones when I was little so as to not bother my father who was like walking on eggshells when you were around him when he came home from work and when we got home from school. Those head phone to that keyboard gave me countless hours of music to play uninterrupted and floating away from reality. I wish I could still sing with the voice I had from pre-ventilator days but that is never going to happen. I am content to carry music in my soul and have it carry me through my days. What song keeps you going? What are some of your favorites? I’d love to hear. This summer I went through a rough patch and listen to the song “Swim” quite a bit to get through the dark, depressive days after my friend committed suicide. There are several others I like as well and have a while mental health recovery playlist on my music account. Please share your favorites in the comments.
Sometimes I think that there’s nothing worse than returning to work after an extended medical leave. The rumor Mill is constantly churning and all the crap that people have been saying about you eventually comes back around to you. The thing that pisses me off though is when it comes back to me through my clients.
The day after I started back to work I had to go on steroids for an allergic reaction to a medication. Bipolar disorder and steroids do not mix. I find myself feeling more paranoid than usual and treading very carefully with most of my co-workers. I’ve caught myself several times obsessing about things I shouldn’t be worried about yet I am. I miss the carefree days from July when I was growing and changing and enjoying life doesn’t the first time in a long time.
I’ve only been back to work one week tomorrow and I already miss those day