Resiliency comes in many forms and choices. While I have been under an enormous amount of stress the last few weeks, I still have choices on how to live my life in a way that that allows for more joy to enter in. The above quote is actually a Swedish proverb though some people accredited the quote to writer, Ralph Waldo Emerson; and actor Johnny Depp, on most web sites. It reminds me not to take life too seriously and endorphin releasing a good heat belly laugh is. One o my co-workers has the most infectious laughs to be around. It’s contagious. She brings joy to our whole team just by being present with her humour and fun- loving spirit. This proverb helped to remind me that I am usually good at using the love passage from 1 Corinthians as a mantra throughout my work day and I haven’t been doing that and it shows. I am not as patient; I am not letting go of wrong doings, I am not other-centered vs. self-centered, etc. I could go on but I think you get the point. I needed to be reminded that I am in need of more laughter and love in my life especially at work.
Send me your best attempts at humor…try to keep it fairly so I can retell the jokes without incident to my clients who could use a laugh with me. I love mental health jokes by the way.
Finding balance between my work and personal life feels totally out of whack. Not only is it impacting me but my relationship with my significant other. Last night I brought work home and ended up spending time with a friend who needed my time before my significant other got home. The result was an all nighter in part due to needing to talk some things through with my significant other and spend time with them after a conversation that raised some emotions due to what was probably being overly sensitive on my part. I lost it last night emotionally and felt like running from our relationship for the first time in two months. I felt scared of being judged which is a leftover issue from my perfectionist father. I cried and cried because I felt teased and like I wasn’t measuring up.
Work has been a fiasco with several of my clients in crisis daily that I can’t accomplish anything. Add on top that balancing work and personal life isn’t going well and I am starting to have high levels of anxiety to the point where I was shaking at work today when things fell apart. This scares me. I usually have a John Wayne approach to work and it is not working. I am falling apart internally and questioning again whether or not I can be in relationships with others. I am afraid of being harmful to my significant other due to watching them struggle lately. I wonder if it is possible to do my job and have a healthy relationship. I just want to be happy.
September is suicide prevention month. As someone who has struggled with suicidal ideation and nearly died from a suicide attempt and lost numerous friends and clients to suicide this month means a little bit more to me than most people. Tonight at a DBSA meeting I heard someone minimize suicidal ideation. It kind of made me furious. I believe (totally my perception) that anyone thinking about suicide is capable of doing it and needs help. It may be a cry for help but better a heard cry for help than an ignored one. If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts and wanting to die I hope and pray that you will reach out to someone who you can trust. It takes a huge deal of courage to do this but it may prevent a permanent solution to a short term problem. Don’t get me wrong… I think that living with depression and mood disorders are very painful experiences that take huge tolls on people’s lives. But I also believe in hope, recovery and the process of change. While I still suffer from dark times in the abyss, I can also experience joy and laughter and love now. Don’t give up hope if you are suffering from suicidal ideation. This too shall pass.
While I feel better able to breathe tonight, I cannot get any sleep which leads me to wonder if maniac isn’t starting to set in due to too many sleepless nights because of the pneumonia. It is the very last thing I need to have happen right now.
I managed to work 11.5 hours yesterday despite feeling crappy. I felt spent afterward.
I just kept plugging away though because I knew it would be seeing my significant other after work for the first time in days and we had plans to go to the local festival last night. We went to enjoy some of the activities and by the time we finished dinner and bsat down we we’re both spent. I was just glad to be with them after a few days apart. Due to my pFSD issues, I don’t handle our time apart very wey well. Hopefully it will be a quiet w3ekemdso I can recuperate.
Can’t sleep. Plagued by stinking thinking and endless coughing fits. Trying to think about working tomorrow for at least a while. I have paperwork that needs to be turned in. I have been trying not to get in a funk that I can’t get out of. But I know that this pneumonia thing scares the crap out of me. I hate fear. It makes my mind go places that are not okay to visit. I feel alone. I had been feeling like I was doing better and now that makes me feel like maybe that was just an illusion.
I feel like I have made so many mistakes lately. I miss keeping up my blog but haven’t had the time to balance my work schedule, commute, relationship, and little bit of me time that I get while fighting to stay well the last three weeks. I am horrible at technology and it takes me forever to write a post. I miss interacting with my readers and other bloggers. Somehow I have to find more balance in my life for everything I love.
Things here have been very stressful. My bronchitis turned into pneumonia, work has been impossible the last few days due to being contagious, and misunderstandings in my relationships. I feel alone in everything that is happening and just need to get it out and deal with it. Unfortunately, that is not so easy to do sometimes. I am probably just feeling more stressed than usual due to being sick right now. I just pray that things return to normal and quickly. I have had this upper respiratory thing going on three weeks now. I am really over it already. I feel like it is impacting my work and relationships and I can’t catch a break if I tried right now.
I have now been dating the same person for six weeks. It remains going well despite the struggle to return to work and balance both home and work life with a job that is both physically and mentally exhausting at times. Sometimes I feel like I fail at balancing both home and work life well and maintaining responsibilities. It is an ongoing challenge that most case managers/social workers face in their jobs. There is simply too much to do and too little time to do it in and it makes it hard to accomplish everything especially when you employment status is salary exempt (meaning that no matter how much work there is to be done you will only be paid 37.5 hours to complete it in whether you work 45-55. We are currently completing lean projects and our work load went up and they are trying to find ways for us to work smarter not harder.
I am still adjusting to being back at work and trying to catch up to speed with my clients while having other workers dump what they didn’t do in my lap that still needs to be completed while adjusting to the next requirements. Trying to juggle this plus several messes that were made of my clients’ situations which have left many of them in crisis since I returned, has not made an easy transition. Add on top that I came down with a case of bronchitis this past week and it was even more challenging. I am still trying to balance meeting my client needs with getting home early so that I can spentd time with my significant other and maintain our relationship. While it is going well, I know that the amount of hours I work has been taking it’s toll on them and that concerns me. So my goal this week was to use my hot spot which allows me to access our agency server and type progress notes as I am with the client. Then today my hot spot was not working. I felt more exasperated than words can speak. We have several deadlines this week due to it being month’s end and I am afraid that I won’t be able to make them and unless my boss can understand that my computer was not working this afternoon I couldn’I have handle going back to work receive a written warning for late paperwork. It is the icing the cake.
Mood wise I have done better than I thought I would in returning to work. I was very hesitant when we came to the point that I had to return to work. But overall it has gone better than I expected it to. I think that mood has been much more stable since I have someone to share my life with and have support from. I feel blessed by their presence in my life and like they bring out the best in me. The qualities of my personality that I often keep hidden I have been much more likely to share. They make me feel like they bring out the best qualities in my personality and character and for that I am a better person since they are in my life. I just need to be able to give equally at home and work and I have never done that before. Old dogs learning new tricks takes a while.