Lately, I find myself returning to my faith more and more and giving of myself to those around me. It may be as simple as sitting with someone who is surrounded by the darkness of depression and suicidal ideation. Being able to hold out hope that after dealing with 30 years of my own depression and suicidal ideation that it could actually come to a stop one day by the grace of God (and a lot of therapy.) I may not have much in this life but if something I say or write diminishes someone else’s pain, I feel my life has purpose even the things I have suffered. This was not an easy week. I took a time out from people around me and unplugged for a day. I just needed to detox from the impact of the world around me and recharge my batteries. Giving to others in a full-time position is rewarding but draining at times and I think I have worked tremendously hard at improving my self care and keep work in balance better than before. Today I simply took a few minutes on my lunch hour to ask someone who I knew was struggling with depression how they were and didn’t expect to hear some fluffy bs answer. I knew she was feeling the darkness around her. But I was at least willing to enter it and let her know she was okay. Someone did that for me once too. It is simply paying it forward to which I have been given. Gratitude at its best. A part of the 12 steps program and more. That’s why it works. Have a good night. -Wendy 🌼☔🌞
*****trigger warning…contains information related to suicide.
I feel worn out. In my personal life I have had three people completed suicides in the last 12 days. The most impacting one occurred for me yesterday morning. I am mostly in a state of shock after all this and wanting to keep another loved one from acting out these temporary solutions to very real problems. Today I spent crying off and on as I hung out with with my besties. So many people are in pain area me that I feel overwhelmed by it. I can’t even use my normal escapes such as reading, crafts, binging watching on Netflix, etc. My family of choice is wandering aimlessly and my family of origin is falling apart at the seams right now. How do I remove the pain from those around me to lessen the burden they carry now too. Sigh…so tired n related to suicide. Wendy
I am a bit OCD. I have been working out of 6 different journals this year, each with a special theme. The biggest problem with it is that it is taking me away from my blog.
There have, also, been things going on of a personal nature. My significant other moved out of my home about three weeks ago. I am trying to make the most of the situation and work on myself. She has her life and it doesn’t include me right now.
It is really hard to write out a blog and attempt to not complain as much as possible. My partner leaving stings because it is new and painful and leaves me feeling angry and frustrated and hurt on a deep level.
Inspi of everything happening around me, I choose each day I can to keep a gratitude journal again as I work through the book, Simple Abundance (part of why I have some of the many journals.) Some have to do with being a bibliophile and organizing some stuff properly.
Today was my born day. I’m grateful for my messy dysfunctional family some times and today was one of those days.
Sometimes I feel old and sometimes I still feel like a spring chicken. I had a nice birthday hanging out with family. I am grateful to be alive and for all my friends who wished me a very happy day. I am thankful for all of you as you travel along my recovery journey with me.i have a feeling that this year could take us in some awesome new directions. Peace be with you. Wendy
I have been attempting to keep a structured format to my days since I stopped working in August. I am looking for work and hoping to get a job soon. I have been using my time to clean out my house, declutter and organize out of necessity. It has kept me from getting depression from not working which was impossible to continue for awhile due to my health.
Starting to look at jobs again is a struggle and I am feeling somewhat nervous. I am not sure what I want to do with my career at this point. I am leaving my options open to say the least. I am not sure where I will end up but I can assure you that it will be a good fit.
Things otherwise have been difficult. It has felt like I have had abuse triggers all around for about a month now. I think I have handled the majority of the situations better than usual but it is never easy to be triggered again and again. Our whole house has been put through the ringer and then got whammied by an upper respiratory infection that hangs on forever. I think that the emotional stress was the key to those of us it has hit the hardest.
My eye remains blurry. It is a wait and see healing process right now. Next month I will find out if I need surgery.
So my radical recovery process is do what I can every day and keep plugging away at the rest and stay positive. So far it is working.
Peace to you all.
Love Wendy 🧡🌼🐢
This week marks the one year anniversary of my blog. I still struggle to balance my time between work, treatment, recovery and rest. The past few months have brought a job change that is less stressful, continued treatment, and continued work towards recovery. This year has been a year of progress in so many ways. It has had some major challenges and set backs at times but my mood is so much more stable, I have been in a stable relationship for nearly a year now, and have a more stable med med regimen. I have also slowly been learning to accept my weight and body shape at whatever weight or shape I am at. I am grateful for so many things.including all of my followers and their support.
Thank you for a memorable first year.
Being my rather OCD self, I went to the library in my hometown to look for the most recommended books on habits yesterday. Once I set my mind to something I become pretty determined to accomplish it. One specific book, recommends focusing on one task at a time to change. Right now I have about 30 times that on my list. I went to the dietician today for the first time in months to talk about goals. I had a list of seven when I walked in the door to meet with her and was able to explain each one and the reason behind them. They are prioritized so I know which ones are the most important to focus on and there are some that are simple like making phones calls or completing labs. The dietician didn’t seem to think I had lost all my marbles but a few of them were rolling through the Kerplunk game a little faster than normal this week.
I have spent some time time contemplating the one vs multiple changes occurring at the same time the last 24 hours. I am left with “radical recovery.” I think of several people who I know who made the decision to finally get clean or sober and did 90 meetings in 90 days and basically overhauled their lives to maintain their sobriety. When I think about making changes to my life, that is what comes to mind. Most people in mental health recovery don’t have the type of support offered by AA or NA meetings. The closest thing we have here is a Depression Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA) meeting once a week for people with mood disorders and their supports. I do have supports in my life who would support me if I shared I was making major overhaul changes though. Probably more than I realize.
In order to make multiple changes at once and be successful I have created a list of things that needs to be a priority or commitment to eventually succeed because I am not delusional. I realize I may fail at some, hopefully succeed at some and make progress at other goals.
Change toolbox for success
- Make health and exercise a priority
- Persistence and perseverance
- Not afraid to fail
- Take full responsibility for my life
- Create my own morning routine
- Have a support system
- Takes initiative
- Surround yourself with like minded people
- Communicate clearly
- Good listening skills
- Value alone time
- Discipline and self control
- Follow through with what you say (no excuses, only results)
Love the journey more than the results.
I know I might be dreaming but I made the choice to change some key things in my life pretty radically and the only way to be successful is to follow this list.