The Path is Narrow

Show me the way

Lately, I find myself returning to my faith more and more and giving of myself to those around me. It may be as simple as sitting with someone who is surrounded by the darkness of depression and suicidal ideation. Being able to hold out hope that after dealing with 30 years of my own depression and suicidal ideation that it could actually come to a stop one day by the grace of God (and a lot of therapy.) I may not have much in this life but if something I say or write diminishes someone else’s pain, I feel my life has purpose even the things I have suffered. This was not an easy week. I took a time out from people around me and unplugged for a day. I just needed to detox from the impact of the world around me and recharge my batteries. Giving to others in a full-time position is rewarding but draining at times and I think I have worked tremendously hard at improving my self care and keep work in balance better than before. Today I simply took a few minutes on my lunch hour to ask someone who I knew was struggling with depression how they were and didn’t expect to hear some fluffy bs answer. I knew she was feeling the darkness around her. But I was at least willing to enter it and let her know she was okay. Someone did that for me once too. It is simply paying it forward to which I have been given. Gratitude at its best. A part of the 12 steps program and more. That’s why it works. Have a good night. -Wendy 🌼☔🌞

Judged!

I had the opportunity to have a friend judge me this week based on her perception of my mental health without taking her own into account. We happen to be long term friends who work in the same field. Interestingly, I am choosing to let go of the relationship in order to maintain my recovery. I am a loyal friend but today I realized that not only does this friend appear to feel above her relationship with me but I have been the one to keep the relationship going by reaching out to her and making contact. I felt put down intellectually and emotionally by her response to something I had said that was genuine and asking for a response. She couldn’t find it in herself or our friendship to respond in earnest. It also made me feel put down professionally something she’s never done in all our years of friendship. Sigh.

I decided to cut ties for my recovery’s sake. I just returned to work full-time, am still recovering from Covid, and don’t want to get dragged down by other’s opinions of me when I have worked so hard to put my life back the last two years. If I let this drag me down, in a way their right and I have already lost the battle.

I struggle terribly with what others think of me but I have had to overcóme so much the last three years, I’m not willing to let anyone take that ground away again without some serious struggle to review my strengths and weaknesses and remind myself how far I have come. Being a loyal friend is a character trait I value. But what happens when you evaluate a relationship and see you’re the only one being loyal? I think it is time to honor your other friendships and those who are loyal in return. Peace ☮️🌼🕊️ everyone.

A Medical Day…

It’s 5:45 a.m. and I feel tired before this day has begun. That is the side effect of having pneumonia. Today is a full day…work, a Covid-19 test even though we know how it will turn out, more work, and then a new treatment to build back up some of my IgG levels through SubQ treatment. I am praying that the new medicine does not make me sick but the EPI-pen is on duty if it does and the hospital 🏥 is nearby. Please make me well! And don’t let me faint today. (Giving myself shots or starting the process of learning to.) Have a great day everyone. Enjoy the 🌞. ☮️ To you. Wendy.

When I stopped smoking I knew it would be hard. I was making the choice to stop at the time for several reasons…money, health, problems with a neighbor, and so the list went. I used an free app called Smoke Free which was encouraging and showed you your progress as time accumulated. This morning was tough though when I could find my friend and when I finally found her she was vaping in her car secretively. I had to say I couldn’t be around vaping this past week and it was a hard decision. I didn’t know if I would lose old friends because of it. In AA/NA you àre warned that you will have to find new friends, new hangouts, and build new habits to break addictions. There is nothing harder than trying to quit 🚬 smoking when someone is constantly lighting up around you. I’m sad my friend felt the need to hide today but also glad she respected me and what I was trying to do. Change is never easy. I have a lot of respect for people with addictions who have managed to break free of their addictions. But for the grace of God go I. 💜☮️🌼☔Wendy

Changing our playgrounds, playmates, and playthings.

Say Something Important

Is what I want to say important?

I have not blogged in quite awhile. Many things have happened…New job, Covid, concussion, other health issues, medical treatment issues for CVID, and mental health issues (hypo-mania from the treatment for Covid.) I wondered what of value I had left to say. Last night I blundered and told my bestie to keep her chin up and I was called out on it. Sometimes even Social workers run out of things to say. I vow to not take the easy way out and just give up writing and saying nothing because it’s hard to find more meaningful words.

It’s a difficult decision to be a social worker and even more so to write. I believe I got discouraged because I didn’t feel my posts were impacting others and just stopped because I didn’t feel that I had even helped one person. But somewhere in my heart I don’t believe that’s true.

If someone’s told you you are beyond hope, you are not. You have worth. Your dreams matter and you can fulfill them. Believe in yourself, believe in your dreams (set smart goals). Never give up. I am idealist. I watch movies like Rudy, Radio, etc. I believe in the impossible.

Please love me.

Trigger warning: suicide content:

My friend who just died from depression had said of him that he could never accept that people loved him. I know when I am depressed I, also, don’t feel loved by others. I struggle to stay connected to others on many layers.  I wonder if this is a common trait of those who experience major depression or major depressive episodes such as with Bipolar I and II.    

I love the above statement. I’m terrible at expressing it to my loved ones and friends when I am in those darkest of moments. So this the statement I use to convey that I’m hurting or needing to feel more love than usual.

Stay safe and know you are loved. Wendy

                                                     

Calgon take me away.

*****trigger warning…contains information related to suicide.

My heart is broken after the last 10 days.

I feel worn out. In my personal life I have had three people completed suicides in the last 12 days. The most impacting one occurred for me yesterday morning. I am mostly in a state of shock after all this and wanting to keep another loved one from acting out these temporary solutions to very real problems. Today I spent crying off and on as I hung out with with my besties. So many people are in pain area me that I feel overwhelmed by it. I can’t even use my normal escapes such as reading, crafts, binging watching on Netflix, etc. My family of choice is wandering aimlessly and my family of origin is falling apart at the seams right now. How do I remove the pain from those around me to lessen the burden they carry now too. Sigh…so tired n related to suicide. Wendy

Sigh. “Please don’t dump your trash can in my trash can. My trash cans full!

My trash can

This quotes on my header to this post are actually lyrics to a kid’s song sung in rounds. The song is called “One bottle of pop…” The fourth or fifth verse goes “Don’t put your trash in my trash can, my trash can. Don’t put your trash in my trash can my trash can’s full”. I sang this song as a little girl at the age of 8 or 9 at camp in the summers. I never thought I would find myself singing it to myself when I hear other people’s drama going on around me in my personal life. I don’t like go around singing this on the top of my lungs but there are days when it is reminding me to set healthy boundaries with some unhealthy people in my life.                         

I have had a difficult month getting my mood straightened back out after steroids. My sleep cycle is a total mess. I sléep when I should be awake and am awake when I should be asleep. I’ve had a few times when my mouth has started to swell up again and then stopped. So I am really allergic to something.

I lost my doctor due not getting any sleep and how the new MA interpreted my extreme quietness from not sleeping before a medical appointment earlier in the the month. I am amazed by human conflict and mostly the lack of it because people are afraid something bad will happen if they talk their conflicts through. This MA thought things about me that I would never do never do or say but she didn’t know me either. All because she assumed many things and knew nothing about my mental health.

There is a conflict in the neighborhood I live in about smoking. I feel like Switzerland in this conflict because I am so sick of the drama it is causing. But I watch and listen to who started the conflict, who keeps it going, and those neighbors in it for a few fireworks. But those féeding the conflict won’t go to the source to talk about it. She’s gone to several other neighbors but never the source. It reminds of the saying that goes something like…”Small people discuss people, especially gossip; average minds talk about events; intelligent  people discuss concepts and ideas. I think social media has made it more difficult for people to face positive, constructive conflict resolution skills anymore.

Where do you fit in the conflict management styles?Aggressive, avoidant, passive aggressive and many more as I only named a few.

Thinking of you, Wendy

Returning to Recovery

Recovery is a long process of setting goals and working towards regaining things lost due to illness or episodes in our lives. However, our lives might look very different as we recover. We might find that the career we’ve been doing is no longer something we feel like we can do. Our hobbies and interests may change as well as those activities that bring us joy. Is this metamorphosis wrong or just part recovery that is new and different? I think it is widely about us and how we change how we experience the world we live in. There will be people who don’t understand this process but do they need to? Recovery is very personal and about you discovering and regaining your very best self. What does recovery look like for you? Where are you at in your recovery process? Does change excite or scare you? Peace be with you all. Wendy.

It’s been awhile…

It’s been several months since I’ve blogged. I felt like I had little to say about mental health issues because I had so many physical health issues occurring and decided to take a break from my blog. Slowly my physical health has improved and I’m starting to feel back to where I had left off. I am back to eating healthier, walking each day, etc. Slowly I have started to socialize a bit more after a long winter and spring of social distancing.

I believe that one’s mental health is positively impacted by good diet and exercise routines. It is vital to care for oneself in these areas but finding the motivation to do so is difficult if you don’t make it a regular ritual that your committed to doing, possibly with a friend or loved one. I just started back to exercising regularly and I can already feel positive effects from it and all I’ve been doing is walking in increasing distances until I can get up to approximately 4 miles per day. I hope to continue to feel more energetic and inspired to do a little more each day. Thinking of you all. Have a great day. Wendy.