My eyes are leaking (crying) and my brain is saying “ENOUGH.” I want a break from February and how it’s gone so far already…surgeries, complications to those surgeries, car problems, being away from home and Al temporarily, being at the hospital more than I can stand, and feeling confused and alone than I have in a while.
I find myself turning to old coping skills to get through long days that others.dont really understand like using my phone to play games to dissociate with to escape the pain, triggers,and all the medical stuff coming at me day in and day out. I’ve lost 7 pounds in less than 2 weeks. Stress and food are old allies in my history. It’s a slippery slope right back into old habits. Right now a path that could be more dangerous than usual. I find myself wanting things to return to precancer moments. I don’t want to stay stuck in this space because I don’t believe in feeling sorry for myself or getting pity from others. I do desire to make the most out of each day and I wasn’t able to do that on my own the last few days with doctor appointments, tests, hospitalization, car problems, etc. Add a dose of feeling alone in the mix and I plummeted to the places that I didn’t want to go.
The saddest thing is that today I pushed people away and hurt people who love me before I could be hurt 💔 Sigh. I want a shower and clean clothes and my sister right now
I have 9 hours before the tests start again which means getting up and ready to go even earlier. Praying I can restore my attitude by then. Thanks for listening.