If you’re 50 and you know it, don’t be scared to show it

Three days after my surgery, was my 50th birthday. It fell on a Friday and we had plans for Friday, Saturday, and Sunday get together with family and friends. Add in a dose of much needed IViG and it was a happening weekend. We got to see Jim Brickman in concert which I enjoyed a lot. I missed a funeral due to needing an IViG treatment badly but had no choice. It was a must after surgery.

I felt down by my birthday. In a world we live on social media, I miss plain old phone calls, surprises from my family at work etc. I felt like it was a big deal to me that I made it to 50 this year. However, all my friends wanted to celebrate individually and I just didn’t have the energy for it. I feel bad for feeling disappointed. I never thought that I would make it to 50. I have been so suicidal at times and then came cancer. Is it wrong to want to celebrate living while I can? I guess other people don’t understand that or don’t want to. It makes it an awfully lonely place to be. Sigh.

Having cancer sucks. Wanting to live the most each day possible becomes mantra because you never know when things will come to a screeching halt. I guess its my fault for having such ecclectic friends. Asking them to put themselves in a room together is not easy even if it is for me. I am not a narcissist. I am afraid I will die alone of this lymphoma thing because no one was able to be there at the right time. I just want to spend my time left with loved ones building forever memories. I want to laugh until I have tears running down my cheeks. I want pics, memorabilia, etc.

Am I silly? I feel like I am right now. I don’t talk about how bad the cancer is because I have had one person not believe me even, etc. That was offensive more than anything. I felt very angry afterwards.

The hardest group of people to get this across too is my family and few close friends

Oh well. We cannot control everything. Despite our measly attempts to try.



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