Pieces

Trigger warning: suicidal content.

My life feels like it is in pieces much like a complicated puzzle needing to be put together. I spoke with my this morning who recommended going on leave from work due being so messed up since the steroids we’re used to treat my upper respiratory issues at such a high dose without titrating off at the end. I, also, have had a bunch of PTSD triggers at work and couldn’t escape the crises going on with my case load. I don’t am out of FMLA leave though and afraid that if I take any time off I will lose my job and health insurance which means no coverage for meds, etc. I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. It feels impossible to make a healthy choice at this time due to this hanging over my head. I am not sure what restrictions the psychiatrist will put me on this afternoon. My therapist was contacting her to tell her what kind of space I have been in. I am now worried about going to the appointment.

Most of the time I just get in what I call Funk and Wagmall’s (if you don’t know what this is you are a young ‘un) mood where I have stinking thinking about death and dying. I don’t act on these feelings usually but I have in the past with a serious suicide attempt that almost cost me my life and I spent days in the ICU on a ventilator so some people in my life get very anxious when I start to think or talk about suicidal thoughts. Most of the time I don’t tell anyone about it because I don’t want to deal with overreacting actions of others when what I really need is for people to listen or be with me. So often I am alone in those feelings because of my line of work and it not being okay ever to talk about. In the mental health profession, we tend to eat our own when it comes to mental health issues. The stigma is greater within than the general public I think. So I am trying to do what I can to stay safe while having intrusive thoughts going on every day throughout the day. I am so tired physically. I have someone holding my meds. I am trying to do what I can to take care of myself. It isn’t enough right now though to escape the stinking thinking. I have been trying to spend time reading quotes on hope and verses that are uplifting. Nothing helps shake the cloud of darkness around me. I feel toxic to people who are around. I don’t feel like I have any positive impact on those around me. I know on some level I have positive qualities but I can’t see them right now. I cannot see color, hear music, etc. Everything is dark and lacking oxygen to breathe with. I feel trapped between two choices and I am going to hurt someone with either one of those choices. God help me. Please pray for those around me. I feel like a total burden to them and hate causing them pain.

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