House of cards

Barely making it. Life is like the fragile balance of a house of cards right now. Everything I try seems so insufficient to make an impact to improve things. I feel like I’m drowning and in over my head and cannot explain this to the people around me. This feels worse than nearly all of my other depressive episodes. I don’t know if it is because I feel more helpless to fix things, am sicker physically and lacking energy, or feeling trapped between choices that no one will be content with.

I see the psychiatrist this afternoon. I have worked with her for the last thirteen years now so she knows me pretty well. I hope she sheds some insight into the situation and helps me to have some hope that this will change somehow through a med change, etc. Going to the hospital is not an option for me to do at this time.

I feel so tired and just want to sleep right now. My partner doesn’t want to leave me alone. I have to go to work for a while and I am not sure how to handle it. I guess I need a dose of polished and shined and everything is fine. Though I don’t think I can do it today. I keep telling myself to tie a knot in the rope and hang on but my hands are slipping and I see the abyss below. People say they understand but I don’t know if you can truly enter another’s pain totally. It feels so alone.

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