Spent time processing with my therapist tonight the events of the week and the results of them on me emotionally, mentally, and physically. I learned to dissociate when things were overwhelming in my abuse when I was little. The aftermath is that I still struggle with emotions that feel stuck in youth or I totally check out or cannot maintain certain connections with others. These things can be spell disaster when feeling hopeless or helpless like I did when I was a kid. At work my life was threatened this week a few times on top of all the things happening at home. I have been triggered quite a few times at work in recent weeks and already under more stress than my co-workers and I handle all year. It is near unbearable and I know that I am near my breaking point in my personal life because I have had constant intense crises happening all day every day since I had pneumonia.
Because I know my tendency to dissociate and need to calm myself down so I don’t have panic attacks at work, I need to sleep extra, take extra anxiety meds, and relax whatever ways I can. I haven’t been able to do that though this week and I am close to feeling those childish emotions of helplessness and hopelessness that stem from being trapped in abuse for years without a way out. My therapist reminded me that I am an adult now and able to move past these emotions by making choices. Hard to rewire your brain sometimes on the process especially if people around you don’t get the dissociation that is happening.
I love the pic from Pixabay above. I was a huge Pooh fan as a little girl Silly old bear.