Confusion, Conflict and Inner Turmoil


I have been adjusting to being back at work and then I came down with bronchitis this past weekend.  I feel like I am struggling to maintain my weight and I have been lax about what I eat and not exercising and the result for a while was I was maintaining or able to continue to lose weight but now that I am sick and needing steroids to stay well enough to work this week until I get my IVIG treatment I will probably gain weight and that scares the crap out of me.  I got on the scale tonight (stupid time to get on a scale) and I weighed more than I have for nearly three months.  I feel freaked out.  Panic is setting in and I am doing everything possible to try and not overreact.  My partner and I have been cooking healthy meals together but I still find myself struggling within about this.

Today I saw the dietician and talked with her about how hard the conflict was getting lately.  The doctor made sure that I would take my lunch hour when I went back to work.  Last week I didn’t eat lunch at all. I find myself wanting to go back on the strict diet I had before when I knew I was losing weight and didn’t have to worry about what the scale was going to say every week.

I am in tears as I write this.  Tears that I have been holding in for the last couple of weeks.  If you have never had an eating disorder, than it is near impossible to understand the struggle and inner conflict that goes on with it.  Every mirror feels like an enemy and you never quite know how to take someone saying “You look like you have lost weight.”  My co-workers said when I came back to work earlier this month to me just that but added that I shouldn’t lose too much.  I’ve been trying to find balance and it tonight it feels far, far away.

Maybe it is just the Prednisone that they gave me to treat my bronchitis but it feels like so much more and has for a while.


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