I think that one of the hardest things about survivor of PTSD and sexual assault is not letting impact my current relationship. I have talked about some of the incidents that have happened and most of the time feel present and safe and able to be vulnerable but it doesn’t undo the damage from the past.
This is probably the safest relationship I have ever been in and I still am struggling not to allow the past to creep in at times and impact the present. I find myself wondering at these times, if I will ever be able to escape and move past some of these horrific events from my past. For years I just pushed them away or was basically numb inside. That numbness took away the joy in my life as well as the pain though. Now I am feeling a bit of everything….things that I have not experienced for years. It feels good yet terrifying. I find myself reluctant to talking about it with very many people for fear I might jinx the good parts of it.
I know I am guarded in terms of sharing this relationship with others in my life not because I am ashamed of it because I am more afraid of something going wrong with it because it has awakened my soul and I am terrified to going back to the soul that was numb and partially dead inside. It is like protecting a plot of soil of newly seeded ground and wanting to water and protect it, tend to the seeds to allow them to grow before allowing anyone else near them to trample on the seeds unless they have the best interest of the seeds at heart and are willing to tend to them too and invest in their growth as well. Those who do not care or are simply careless are not welcome yet for neither the relationship, or maybe I am, not strong enough, to handle people’s careless comments and actions until I feel more confident and firmly planted in the soil of the love. Accepting love and understanding has always been a struggle for me. I felt unwanted in my family and love was confused with performance not simply who I was as a person.
There is a saying in AA that “TIme takes time.” Right now that is where I am at. I am moving at a a turtle’s pace. I need time. Slow and steady wins the race.