WARNING THIS POST CONTAINS INFORMATION REGARDING EATING DISORDERS:
Went to my first eating disorders support group last night. It went about how I thought it would for me. I ended up being a wallflower throughout the group: taking everything in and not uttering a single word other than gesturing a very emphatic shaking or nodding of my head.
We read through a handout. The content of the handout started to get under my skin and fester there throughout the group time. I have not done well this week and skipped eating for 2 and 1/2 days. The dietician set the alarm on my phone to go off at noon and six as reminders to eat and I feel so rebellious when I hear them because I am just not hungry.
The other thought that kept crossing my mind as I sat in the group was that the women in the group were worlds ahead of me. I felt like I was still stuck in my eating disorder behaviors and I have been struggling and I was feeling like a failure from not being able to meet my dietician’s goals this week. It was like a great big neon sign was flashing “failure” inside my head again and again.
Sigh…I’m so frustrated with myself. I am heading into a weekend away and afraid that I will fail more so this weekend and that it will be evident to my friend as we travel. It scares me because I don’t know how to balance the traveling and eating and having to get on the scale Monday afternoon at the doctor’s office.