It’s been nearly a week and I keep having intrusive thoughts invade my thinking more and more. I know that they are not based in reality and stem from my PTSD but are more like delusional thought processes than flashbacks. I keep fighting them with truth but I am feeling weary. Last night I gave in and text messaged my therapist to contact me at her earliest convenience. This has been building up since last Monday. My awareness level when things start to fall asunder is dismal at best. It started being really noticeable on Friday and just continued to worsen until I finally texted my therapist last night. Since then it seems to be a little better without me fighting constantly to defend myself from the intrusive thoughts.
I am thankful that I am grounded enough to know truth and be able to stand firm and keeping telling myself truth even though it is a difficult thing to do. (Luckily, the delusion is such that I know it is impossible to be true at this point for the most part- or at least I keep telling myself this.) However, because it involves my trauma history and PTSD as well as Bipolar symptoms it tends to leave me feeling crazy in a way that none of my other symptoms usually do. I felt even more crazy this morning when I looked at my phone and there was a conversation on messenger that I don’t even remember having. It was after I took my meds though and once I do I can fall asleep anywhere in a heartbeat. Still, it added to the feelings of “I’m losing my marbles here folks.”
My grandma when going through late onset dementia used to ask me all the time “Wendy, am I losing my marbles?” and I would reply, “No Grandma, but a few are cracked.” I definitely think a few of mine are chipped and cracked today.
Pic from Pixabay