Working the 12 Steps is a way to work a program that you gain a tremendous amount of knowledge and insight and wisdom from others who have worked the 12 steps before you. I have applied 12 step principles to most of the issues in my life… my alcohol use, my mental health issues, and my eating disorder now.
I have had problems coming to terms with admitting that my eating disorder is unmanageable. I am getting closer and have been talking to a few friends and have admitted to them that it is a problem that I have. I have been able to make better choices over the last few days by taking things one choice at a time instead of looking at the big picture.
That being said, I am still freaked out about meeting with the dietician this morning and having to get on the scale and be triggered by weight gain. I have, also, taken steps to ask the dietician to ask me more direct questions when wanting to know information versus indirect because I will and can be much more cryptic in my answers to indirect questions. I hope she gets this. It was extremely hard for me to come clean on this and ask for this to happen. It goes back to the AA/12 step slogan “You are only as sick as secrets.” I am working hard to not keep secrets anymore. This is a crucial part of the recovery of an eating disorder. I will not get out of the relapse patterns if I don’t stop keeping secrets about my behaviors regarding food.
I haven’t yet talked to my therapist about the relapse with my eating disorder. I know I should be talking to her about it but it has not been able to be discussed because of the time limit of our session and the need to cover other things. We also have a boundary that we don’t talk about medical issues so I feel pretty uncomfortable bringing it up in my sessions. I feel like I need her to know though and be part of the treatment team I have with this, especially because the relapses start when I start talking about trauma issues in therapy. You can control issues or whatever you like but because my eating disorder started at such a young age it is so hard to separate the eating disorder from the PTSD issues for me. Hopefully when I get to Step 2, God will give me what I need to start to be start to divide the two issues into separate entities.