I left group last night with friends to get Gatorade and replenish some electrolytes before my half hour ride home. It only helped so much. I finally agreed to eat again and went to Steak and Shake before driving home.
I finally shared with one of my other friends from group that food is a struggle for me. I wasn’t sure how she would take it. It went better than I thought it would. Hugged me when I cried, asked a couple of questions and was okay with it.
Steak and Shake was definitely more traumatizing than I expected. I ate but I struggled with keeping it down. I talked with my friend about how young I was when my eating disorder started and how tied into my trauma issues it is. I couldn’t even dissociate from my feelings to move past what I was thinking and feeling right then.
I got home and I had memory after memory of early sexual abuse going through my head. I couldn’t get them to stop and grounding exercises weren’t working. I finally curled up in a ball and went to sleep and I slept in until 11 this morning. I was woke up to the phone and let Al out after it. Then I fell right back asleep in my chair again. I must have been dreaming because I bit my lip so hard while sleeping that I have an imdent inside of it. If only my issues with food and trauma weren’t so closely intertwined.
I will choose to look on the bright side though… I ate three times yesterday and I shared with a friend of mine that food was a struggle.