The pic is pretty much how my day starteß Resting comfortablu inu àrmchàir with my infusion. But things went horribly wrong at the end of my infusion. We all of the sudden knew that my arm had turned red and swollen at at the site of my infusion. my arm was so swollen that it was hard to bend it and my face was starting to swell as well. I was beginning to freak out when I actually saw how bad it looked and I realized that I hadn’t even noticed.
It made me realize how unaware again I am of what’s going on in my body when it’s busy doing other things. I’m really starting to begin to think that this is a trauma response to not understanding the sensations in my body because of the sexual abuse that I began to experience at a young age. For example my pain tolerance is extremely high, I don’t generally feel pain because I just don’t feel the sensation in my body
I tend to keep it compartmentalized and away from my consciousness. the same goes for many other sensations that occur in my body I’m just not aware of them and it’s got to be a trauma response I think. in many ways this is humbling and embarrassing because how can a 49 year-old woman not know what’s going on in her body it takes an extreme amount of pain for me to be aware of what’s actually going on in my body and they couldn’t be good or bad sensations and I just don’t register them. I hope by working through my trauma issues in therapy and identifying sources of trauma and being able to work through some of that with my therapist I hope one day to be able to enjoy sensations and whether they be good or bad and be able to identify them so I can be a fully living human, I wonder if I will ever be able to relax and experience things that bring me pleasure as well as experience warning signs and dangerous signs if I’m remain unaware at this point of sensations going on in my body such as fear, fright and a host of other thing
I think thatsy be why i love hypomania so much. It allowsr to feel on s more intensive basis. It gives me joy and pleasure and allows me to connect with people emotionally and physically on a deeper level than I usually do when I’m stable or in a depressed state.
well I have to close it’s time for Benadryl and bed so I hope you all have had a great day!