Trigger Warning: This contains information regarding eating disorders and addiction.
Step 1 of the 12 steps states: We admitted we were powerless over ____________-that our lives lives had become unmanageable.
I keep going over this Step in my head and wrestle with it daily the last week in regards to food and eating disorder issues. I can’t seem to get past this step. I can’t seem to accept that my eating disorder is out of control and unmanageable.
I keep wondering what it will take for me to get there. I went a day and a half without eating and end up very woozy yesterday and having difficulties maintaining my balance and later got a headache that was a killer from not eating. My friend came over yesterday who also struggles with an eating disorder, and she brought bananas and hard boiled eggs with her. I finally ate in an attempt to get my head to stop hurting and to stop swaying and getting dizzy while walking.
Eating 2 hard boiled eggs and taking a whopping dose of prescribed potassium seemed to help some. I know that for most of you reading this you will probably think that is nothing but I felt like I was eating so much. I managed to keep it down and just feel guilty that I ate, all the while still battling denial that my eating disorder is becoming more and more of a problem. I am still unable to say it is unmanageable and don’t know what it will take for me to get there. I don’t feel thin enough. I don’t think I’ve lost enough weight for it to be classified as a problem yet.
The dietician I work called unexpectedly this morning. She asked what I had eaten since Monday. Ugh. I was honest. There wasn’t much on that list. She stated that she thought we needed to go to structure meal plans. I am afraid I will fail at those big time. I need her to start being direct and asking me the tough questions but I am afraid to tell her that. I didn’t get on the scale for her this past Monday. I know I lost weight this past week though because I was able to go down a size in clothing.
But when. When and what needs to happen to make life more unmanageable? How do I get to a place of acceptance? I want to believe that I am still in control and yet I think I know on some level that this eating disorder relapse has made it so I am not in control any more.
So for those those of you who struggle with eating disorders or other addictions how did you manage to come to a place of acceptance with Step 1? Thoughts. I really need the feedback on this one.