The Battle over Step 1

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Trigger Warning:  This contains information regarding eating disorders and addiction.

Step 1 of the 12 steps states:  We admitted we were powerless over ____________-that our lives lives had become unmanageable.

I keep going over this Step in my head and wrestle with it daily the last week in regards to food and eating disorder issues.  I can’t seem to get past this step.  I can’t seem to accept that my eating disorder is out of control and unmanageable.

I keep wondering what it will take for me to get there.  I went a day and a half without eating and end up very woozy yesterday and having difficulties maintaining my balance and later got a headache that was a killer from not eating.  My friend came over yesterday who also struggles with an eating disorder, and she brought bananas and hard boiled eggs with her.  I finally ate in an attempt to get my head to stop hurting and to stop swaying and getting dizzy while walking.

Eating 2 hard boiled eggs and taking a whopping dose of prescribed potassium seemed to help some.  I know that for most of you reading this you will probably think that is nothing but I felt like I was eating so much.  I managed to keep it down and just feel guilty that I ate, all the while still battling denial that my eating disorder is becoming more and more of a problem.  I am still unable to say it is unmanageable and don’t know what it will take for me to get there.  I don’t feel thin enough.  I don’t think I’ve lost enough weight for it to be classified as a problem yet.

The dietician I work called unexpectedly this morning.  She asked what I had eaten since Monday.  Ugh.  I was honest.  There wasn’t much on that list.  She stated that she thought we needed to go to structure meal plans.  I am afraid I will fail at those big time.  I need her to start being direct and asking me the tough questions but I am afraid to tell her that.   I didn’t get on the scale for her this past Monday.  I know I lost weight this past week though because I was able to go down a size in clothing.

But when.  When and what needs to happen to make life more unmanageable?  How do I get to a place of acceptance? I want to believe that I am still in control and yet I think I know on some level that this eating disorder relapse has made it so I am not in control any more.

So for those those of you who struggle with eating disorders or other addictions how did you manage to come to a place of acceptance with Step 1?  Thoughts.  I really need the feedback on this one.

3 thoughts on “The Battle over Step 1

  1. I completely open myself up to the fact that at any point I can relapse. It helps to accept that. Accept failure before it hits then you are prepared for when you feel it may come. I wake up every day saying I could fail today but I’m going to choose not to because good choices feel better than bad choices…. In the end… Hang in there!! You’ll find what is right for you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the feedback. I tell myself I can make a good decision for 5 minutes at a time and it helped to break the good and bad decisions down by doing that. This afternoon I managed to eat a banana and a hard boiled egg because I knew I would be out running errands and needing to drive and having to have the energy to do those things. So maybe by breaking things back down again I can start to make better decisions. Wendy

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