Was just looking at my stuff from last week from my therapist that she had wanted me to do and I made a MAJOR oops.  She wanted me to check in via text message every day and I thought it was supposed to be just over the weekend.

I messed up big time.  The good news is she must not have been that worried because she didn’t send me a text message or call me or have the police do a wellness check.  (I am REALLY grateful for the last one!)

Hopefully she is not too pissed off with me for this blunder.  I have been okay with the exception of the food stuff and my friends being suicidal and have managed to weather those storms okay I think.

Therapy session this afternoon at 3:00 and it is already making me nervous.  My therapist thinks I dissociate a lot while in session with her.  I think that is my way of putting walls up around myself to protect myself from getting hurt again.  My therapist is probably the best therapist I have ever worked with in the 30+ years of being in and out of counseling but the miscommunication that we had a couple of weeks ago has left me dealing with trust issues.  I’m not sure I can handle sharing the details of my story and getting abandoned for some real or perceived reason(s).  The details of my trauma are pretty intense and I rarely share them for fear that I will be looked upon with disapproval, blame, disbelief, and maybe even utter shock.  I couldn’t even voice certain parts of my story until a few months ago and have practiced sharing them with a few close friends who have stuck in there and accepted me despite all the gory details.  I treasure those few friends I was vulnerable enough with to share the stuff I had kept locked away for 30-40 years because I felt too ashamed to tell anyone before.  While freeing, I still wonder why they love me because I feel dirty and stained and so unlovable as a result of the abuse I endured.

It comes back to “When will I ever be enough?”  and I am not so sure this feeling of being unlovable is able to be overcome when it was ingrained in me in so many ways for nearly my entire life.  I believe that God made everyone else with a hope and a future and that they are lovable but can’t seem to offer that same grace to myself.  I use the love chapter from 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 as a mantra on how to treat others but I don’t use  that passage of Scripture towards myself.  I guess that makes me a hypocrite in some ways.  OUCH.



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