Second Verse, Same as the First, Little Bit Louder, Little Bit Worse

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Trigger Warning:  Post contains content about suicide and suicidal ideation.

Now imagine this woman falling asleep while chatting on Facebook with a friend and you have Wendy last night with Al curled up beside her on the couch sleeping.  I feel like I am beginning to forget what it is even like to sleep in my bedroom and I don’t think that is such a good thing thing.  But I can tell you this:  My chair is a heck of a lot more comfortable than the couch to fall asleep on.

I feel guilty.  I missed two calls from a younger friend and his roommate while I was conked out who have been struggling with suicidal ideation.  I am kind of freaked out that I didn’t hear the call. but it is my own fault.  I left a Spotify Mental Health Playlist on and it has over 1,000 songs in it.  It played all night long so I didn’t hear my phone go off in the middle of the night.  I am praying that they are both okay.

I have a hard time when I am kept from helping a suicidal friend for whatever reason an something happens.  I know on one level that I am not a superhero but when something happens and I wasn’t there and especially if they reached out to me for help, I jump through a series of mental gymnastics of guilt, regret, failure, etc.  It is similar when my client harm themselves or die due to suicide.  I know I should not take that on but I wonder why I didn’t do this when they did that or why I didn’t intervene sooner.  Five years ago, a fairly close friend committed suicide and I knew he was struggling.  After he died I felt horribly responsible because we had never talked about it openly between us. I blamed myself for not having had that conversation with him.  I have to be very careful with contagion after a friend or client commits suicide.  I have lost too many people to it in my life and have not been able to say yet that I did enough.

What a way to start the day. Sorry for the downer post.  I promise the next one will be more upbeat.

W.L.

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