It’s a H.O.P.E. (Hold on, pain ends) kind of afternoon.

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It’s been an afternoon where tears have been my food and so painful due to relationship issues  As someone who has abused and abandoned in some ways by my mother in my formative years and then during the time while my sexual and physical abuse was occurring, I don’t do real or perceived abandonment well.  It triggers that “I’m not safe and I could possibly die” instinct and because of my sexual abuse it tends to trigger the “I deserve to die” trigger.  I am in emotional pain but safe.  My best friend said and did some very hurtful things and then blamed my mood disorder for them and made some other statements that were like getting a knife to the gut.  I’m not sure the relationship is repairable and due to limited contact with my siblings and father, this friend and her family have been like family to me for nearly 25 years.  I am trying to be fine (but you know that F.I.N.E. stands for Feeling Insecure, Needy and Emotional, right?!)

Since I was experiencing suicidal ideation earlier this month, my other friend encouraged me to text my therapist.  I will email her when done with this post so she knows the whole story.  As a social worker who is, also, a patient, I suck like a straw in asking others for help.  I don’t like to and I don’t want to 99.9% of the time.  I feel like a burden in asking for others to help me even if they are paid professionals on my Treatment Team.  I have only been working with my therapist for about two months now and so I still struggle with trust issues.  We hit a miscommunication bump about three weeks ago and it has been hard to recover trust after that.  It feels like I have put up my “Polished and Shined and Everything’s Fine” walls around her most of the time. I know it is a safety response since I feel like I have lost too many people in my personal life recently.

So how am I handling all the pain, by not eating.  Haven’t ate since around 4-5 o’clock yesterday,  I don’t feel hungry and am so upset that I would probably just get sick if I did try to eat.  I don’t want anything solid at least.  I might be able to get down a Gatorade or something similar.  I don’t feel like my treatment providers get how much of a battle I’m in on the ED thing in my head right now or in my behaviors.

W.L.

Pic from Pixaby

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