FEAR…

I am near panicking.  I just dug a dose of Ativan to take.  With my social worker license comes being a mandated reporter for any suspected child abuse and/or neglect or the abuse of an adult.  I just had to make a report on a neighbor for child abuse and the neighbor will know who made the report based on what I included in the report.  This man scares me and triggers my trauma issues but I couldn’t continue to bear witness to the events that were occurring with him and his children.

I will be the first to admit that I have a potty mouth at times but I am conscious of what I say and who I say it around. The man I reported on uses the F word and other profanity directed at his children. Even my father who was a person who raged at us when we were growing up never used the F bomb when screaming at us girls.  I couldn’t take listening to this man destroy his little boy’s self-esteem one more time today.

The choice to do what’s right is never easy.  But trying to keep children safe is the priority in the end.  When CPS was called in my own life, my dad talked his way out of the situation and I got the worst beating of my life.  It has made me skittish to talk about abuse with others every since for fear that I will be called a liar which I was then and for fear of my life with my father.  It has taken much time to disclose my trauma history in therapy without fearing for my life.  Since I started working with a trauma therapist, it is something we discuss regularly after I disclose trauma events.  I may be a grown up but emotionally that fear of retaliation for talking is still ingrained in me.  This neighbor triggers that fear and due to other times when I have had problems with him, I have had him retaliate in certain ways.  So to be safe I alerted the police that I had made the report and that I was very anxious about him retaliating or threatening me.

So glad I reviewed those grounding skills now!

W.L.

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