Accomplished 3 of 4 tasks already this afternoon. Now waiting for the dietician appt. Rather nervous while waiting. Was supposed to meet with the medical social worker before my appt but she is out sick today.
There are multiple layers to today’s anxiety re: this appt. My Primary Care Doc wants me to get weighed and I don’t want to get on the scale. The scale is a trigger. I am afraid I will be stubborn and refuse to get on it.
I promised myself I would be honest and forthright with all my providers about my issues with food recently. That is a horribly hard commitment to make for a disorder that is mostly about secretive behaviors. The AA slogan is etched in my head lately: “You’re only as sick as your secrets.” I’ve let myself down in some other things I was trying to commit to lately and it is hard to trust myself that I won’t let myself down on this one too.
Building a new relationship with a treatment team member is always hard. I have huge trust issues and this person is reporting back to my Primary Care Physician and probably the the Medical Social Worker in the same office. So everything I share will be shared with others. I don’t know why I am struggling with this one. (Back to the Secrets Slogan)…I guess. As a social worker, when I have worked on a team, I have told my clients that I cannot keep secrets. Why should it be any different for me? It’s the same rules for me as everyone else. I don’t get to be special in this one. Sorry me…grow up and stop whining already.
Finally I am just plain anxious today due to such a busy schedule and not feeling super well the last few days. I don’t enjoy rushing around. I barely got to talk to my psychiatrist today before I had to cut her off to take the phone call from the insurance company’s case manager. So I will email her later to fill in the questions she was asking me that I couldn’t answer.
Have a good afternoon and evening.