Woke up so late that I missed both breakfast and lunch. I ate a banana when I got up because my potassium has been running low due the stupid adrenal tumor that is messing up my hormone levels that regulate so many things. I have no desire to eat anything else today. I ate so much yesterday with eating out with my Dad and step-Mom and eating the leftovers for dinner last night that I felt like I shouldn’t eat today.
When I finally woke this afternoon I woke up with a sore throat and I didn’t want to eat anything anyway. I know I should go eat something. I have plenty of low calorie choices in my fridge to choose from but it doesn’t feel like enough. I just feel like I need to make up for yesterday and I didn’t exercise today either adds to these feelings.
I see the dietician tomorrow for the second time since I relapsed. It is going to be a difficult appointment. I still feel overwhelmed by too much food. I broke promises to myself about things I said I wouldn’t do with this relapse and have promised to be brutally honest with the dietician, the medical social worker, my Primary Care Physician and my therapist. (That’s my treatment team minus my psychiatrist and I am already honest to a fault with her.)
It might help to explain that I was originally diagnosed with an eating disorder when in my early 20’s and managed to overcome most of the behaviors associated with the eating disorder over time. I have relapsed a couple of times in the last five or six years when dealing with trauma issues in therapy or under extreme stress. I realized this the other day looking at photos and writing down the dates of weight loss associated with the photos. The problem is increasing as I dig deeper into trauma issues. I had not shared my eating disorder history with my Primary Care Physician’s office until last Tuesday when I decided that it was better for me to share and set up the appt with the dietician prior to the appt with my Primary Care Doc because I had lost over 20 lbs in a month. Last year, prior to my psychiatric hospitalizations, I lost 45 lbs in a short time before admission and though I gained most of it back, I was still only a size 14 when this relapse started. It is humbling. I had the admit to the dietician last week that though my health has not been great that my eating disorder was not as under control as I thought it had been.
This relapse has been consciously much worse than the rest though. The question that the dietician left me with last week was “When will you be enough?” If you have ever been abused or sexually assaulted, this is probably a difficult question for you to answer. I still haven’t come up with an answer to her question yet. It is a journaling assignment for my therapist. I keep seeing the post “I AM ENOUGH” on social media. It makes me pensive. When will I ever know this? When will I stop paying for feeling responsible for so many things? I do not know. I do know I cannot continue on the path that I am on.