The rumor Mill and paranoia

Sometimes I think that there’s nothing worse than returning to work after an extended medical leave. The rumor Mill is constantly churning and all the crap that people have been saying about you eventually comes back around to you. The thing that pisses me off though is when it comes back to me through my clients.

The day after I started back to work I had to go on steroids for an allergic reaction to a medication. Bipolar disorder and steroids do not mix. I find myself feeling more paranoid than usual and treading very carefully with most of my co-workers. I’ve caught myself several times obsessing about things I shouldn’t be worried about yet I am. I miss the carefree days from July when I was growing and changing and enjoying life doesn’t the first time in a long time.

I’ve only been back to work one week tomorrow and I already miss those day

W.L.

Relationship give and take

I feel like there is so much I have to learn about the give and take of relationships. Tonight I feel like I have been selfish since going back to work because it has been such a struggle. I missed cues that my significant other was struggling this afternoon while I was at work cleaning up messes from while I was on my medical leave.

I hate feeling so wrapped up in my job that I miss things. I feel torn about who I can ntake care of and when. Even meeting my own needs working in a challenge. Tonight I f3el like an utter failure probably from lack of sleep Sue to roo many teips to the ER lately I have not slept well all week since going back to work

Partially because of physical symptoms until partially due to an allergic reaction to a med to treat those symptoms. But I know in my heart that being tired is the worst time to question myself about where things are at right now

Praying things start feeling better soon.

W.L

Back to work

Headed back to work after being on medical leave for several months. Nervous and anxious about returning to work. Grateful to be able to see my clients again.

Medically, feeling slightly more stable and hoping for the best. A little bit worried that my health is not strong enough to handle the stress of my job yet. Still a lot of medical issues going on that need to be addressed.

My eating disorder is starting to stabilize as I have been eating more but still losing weight slowly with the change in eating habits. I have been eating healthier since starting my new relationship in July.

I’ve been spending my free time with my significant other knowing that I would have to head back to work soon it has been a process of learning a lot about myself and how I handle relationships. Some good and some challenges.

I’m more real than I have ever been before though. I am learning about challenges and coping together currently something I never even considered in the past. Progress I guess.

W.L

Relationships and PTSD

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I think that one of the hardest things about survivor of PTSD and sexual assault is not letting impact my current relationship.  I have talked about some of the incidents that have happened and most of the time feel present and safe and able to be vulnerable but it doesn’t undo the damage from the past.

This is probably the safest relationship I have ever been in and I still am struggling not to allow the past to creep in at times and impact the present.  I find myself wondering at these times, if I will ever be able to escape and move past some of these horrific events from my past.  For years I just pushed them away or was basically numb inside.  That numbness took away the joy in my life as well as the pain though.  Now I am feeling a bit of everything….things that I have not experienced for years.  It feels good yet terrifying.  I find myself reluctant to talking about it with very many people for fear I might jinx the good parts of it.

I know I am guarded in terms of sharing this relationship with others in my life not because I am ashamed of it because I am more afraid of something going wrong with it because it has awakened my soul and I am terrified to going back to the soul that was numb and partially dead inside.  It is like protecting a plot of soil of newly seeded ground and wanting to water and protect it,  tend to the seeds to allow them to grow before allowing anyone else near them to trample on the seeds unless they have the best interest of the seeds at heart and are willing to tend to them too and invest in their growth as well.  Those who do not care or are simply careless are not welcome yet for neither the relationship, or maybe I am, not strong enough, to handle people’s careless comments and actions until I feel more confident and firmly planted in the soil of the love.  Accepting love and understanding has always been a struggle for me.  I felt unwanted in my family and love was confused with performance not simply who I was as a person.

There is a saying in AA that “TIme takes time.”  Right now that is where I am at.  I am moving at a a turtle’s pace.  I need time.  Slow and steady wins the race.

Journals

Meeting went well tonight. Received a box full of old journals that contain so many memories. I only allowed myself to peruse one of them for safety reasons and not wanting to trigger too many traumatic experiences before bed. Reading old excerpts about my eating disorder, past alcohol abuse, suicidal ideation, manic symptoms, and PTSD issues was enough for a short time. This is a storage box filled with them so it will take me a while to work through them. I already decided that I would not read through the sections that I wrote about suicidal thoughts. The journal I read through tonight was from the spring that I was first diagnosed with Bipolar I Disorder and struggling to come to terms with the new diagnosis and meds as well as finding new treatment providers who could help me do that. It’s been fourteen years since that diagnosis and I am grateful I was lucky enough to have found a Depression Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA) meeting near me shortly after my diagnosis. It helped me learn about Bipolar Disorder so much faster than by seeing any treatment provider.

Some people might wonder why read through an old journal. Mine have poetry, artwork, and creative sketches that I want out of them. My partner thinks that it is a form of emotional cutting. There are, also, collected quotes and sayings I want to keep as well as special dates and good memories.

Do you journal? Do you go back back through them occasionally to reminicse? What are your thoughts about this? I’d love to hear.

W.L.

Swedish proverb 1.9

So anxious about my meeting tomorrow night that I can’t sleep. I am a bundle of nerves as we approach several mutual friends with the news that we have started dating and one friend in particular who will not handle the news well. I am not a selfish person and rarely put my needs and wants before others. I have been struggling with telling this friend since we started seeing each other and wanted to do it in the safest and most protective manner possible so as not to hurt this person. I have come to the conclusion that it is impossible to do. However, the fallout amongst our other friends could be pretty intense if things go badly tomorrow night. But I believe in being honest and forthright and not hiding my feelings.

Calgon take me away

Enough

The last few weeks have been a challenge to accept that I am enough. That I am lovable as I am and seeing myself as my partner sees me. I have done this better than I have ever done it in the past. I have been eating fairly healthy meals and restricting. It has taken a lot of talking to accomplish this especially with my therapist on vacation.

Tomorrow is a challenging day for me though. I am not sure how I feel about how it will go. Anxiety is setting in and I am trying not to let it get the best of me. I have been trying hard not to run away from my feelings. Tomorrow evening may make that difficult not to do. It is another chapter in the vulnerability storyline that’s taking place lately. Hopefully it will go better than I expect it to.

Sometimes vulnerable with others versus stoic feels scary. Allowing them to know you as you truly are though is a gift.